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    戴鵬飛幽默短信

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:27  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    <一>、不幸的婚姻各有各的不幸

    欠費

    丈夫花心,總在外面沾花惹草,夜夜不歸。一夜,老婆又給丈夫打手機。語音提示:“您撥叫的用戶不在服務區,在紅燈區。”再撥,語音提示:“ 您撥叫的用戶已欠費,欠了小費。”

    小心眼

    火鍋炭準備和蜂窩煤結婚。朋友勸他:“你呀,婚后生活肯定不如意,因為你啥事兒都太計較了。”過些天,火鍋炭離婚,問朋友:“你咋預測到我婚姻不順、啥事兒都計較啊?”朋友:“因為你老婆蜂窩煤都是眼兒,所以你每天都得小心眼兒。”

    超級健忘

    情緒低落的女人來找醫生,說:“我得了很強的健忘癥,我丈夫要跟我離婚。”醫生:“哦,你什么時候發現自己有病的?”女人想了半天,困惑:“醫生,我有什么病?”

    別哭了

    一女士的丈夫長得很丑,而且汗毛濃密。一日,倆人上街,眾人都躲著他倆。女士很傷心,哭泣。這時候,一位紳士走來安慰她:“別哭了,像您這么美麗的小姐,哭壞了身體可不好。別哭了,您是做什么工作的?噢……我知道了,您是馬戲團的吧?”

    類人猿

    女攝影師到原始森林采風,失蹤。數月后回來,不久在醫院生下一個孩子。丈夫:“是男孩兒女孩兒?”護士:“不知道啊,出來就跳燈管上了。”

    下一代

    悟空對情人女妖精說:“寶貝兒,我師父說得好,人和妖精都是媽生的,不同的是人是人生的妖是妖生的。咱倆可不能成親,否則下一代就猴精猴精的啦!還是做情人吧!”

    生子三句半

    男:鈔票先生心歡喜,結婚三年有意義,夫人馬上就生育……女:嘻嘻!

    男:產房門口心太急,不知面值有幾許,想想可愛小新幣……女:甜蜜!

    男:護士抱出小baby,仔細端詳有疑慮,這是一個啥東西……女:游戲幣!

    男:辛苦三年盼利息,這算什么回報率,老婆肯定有問題……女:外遇?

    男:夫人聽了特生氣,誰拿投資當游戲,如今正遂你的意……女:玩兒去!

    蝦哥魚妹

    蝦哥和魚妹閃電結婚,婚后倆經常吵架。魚妹:“你可真是蝦哥,啥東西都瞎擱,家里讓你整得這么亂。”蝦哥:“你是魚妹,你多好啊!愚昧,太愚昧,你老愚昧了,知道不?”

    結合

    女人:你為啥娶我?男人:就像那條短信――老鼠沒女朋友特別郁悶,終于一只蝙蝠答應嫁給他,老鼠十分高興。別人笑他沒眼光,老鼠說“你們懂什么,她好歹是個空姐。”女人:那你說為啥蝙蝠會下嫁給老鼠?男人:嗯……女人:因為蝙蝠……瞎眼了。男人:……噢!是是是,蝙蝠是瞎的。

    <二>、再別尷尬

    輕輕的我走了

    中學時代,一次上課我偷吃糖塊兒被老師叫到辦公室。一進門我就看見桌上放著10塊錢,當時這可是一筆大數目啊;旁邊還有張票據,估計是老師剛領的補課費;再旁邊,就是老師沒收我的零食。老師天南海北說了我一頓――不遵守課堂紀律,我吃的零食不衛生(小攤買的),餓了要課間休息時去飯館吃、別怕花錢等。最后老師看著桌上說:“拿上它,走吧!”老師的訓斥并未打動我,但他這句話卻深深感動了我。我滿眶晶瑩面露感激,一把抓起10塊錢,拔腳就溜;老師一臉尷尬驚愕,喉嚨里發出“咕咕”的聲。最后已跑到走廊的我,聽到身后傳來老師凄厲的喊叫:“給我回來,我讓你把糖塊兒拿走。”

    正如我輕輕的來

    剛參加工作的我社會應酬多,總是花天酒地。飲食一不規律,再加上喝酒,俺的腸胃就嚴重抗議,老排氣。去醫院檢查,遇見同事。同事:“你干啥來了?”我尷尬,不語。同事又問:“我膽固醇超標,你呢?”我更尷尬:“我、我……尾氣超標。”

    我輕輕的招手

    我近視,可不愛戴眼鏡,因為我是典型的“戴上眼鏡就成文人墨客,不戴眼鏡就成瀟灑帥哥。”一次沒戴眼鏡和朋友閑逛,迎面過來一姑娘,我好像認識抬手就打招呼。再看,認錯了。姑娘驚異,也下意識僵硬地對我招手比劃了一下。我尷尬,連忙把打招呼的手順勢揚起,摸了摸頭發,還自言自語:“今兒頭上的……摩絲打得有點兒多。”

    作別西天的云彩

    還是眼神不好造成的。一次黃昏,在絢麗的晚霞下俺不幸掉進了下水道,就是井蓋被人偷走的那種。尷尬的我灰頭土臉地爬上來,發現井旁已有幾個老太太圍觀了。雖然我身上疼痛萬分,但還是迅速掏出手機,胡亂撥個號碼(沒按發射鍵),呲牙咧嘴裝作憤憤地說:“喂?這個下水道沒問題啊!讓我來干什么?修什么修?這么簡單的毛病,至于驚動我這個工程師嗎?”  

    那河畔的金柳

    暮色如酒,河畔垂柳;年少無愁,我自風流。青春的我,曾和一個女孩在河邊約會。那天我特想親她一下,為培養情調就盯著人家的嘴唇看。女孩羞紅了臉,尷尬問我:“看什么呢?”我緊張,說:“哎,你長了顆虎牙。”女孩不悅。我忙打岔:“不,是板牙。”女孩瞪我,我更緊張:“啊……是兔牙。不不……假牙!”

    是夕陽中的新娘

    很愛聽彭麗媛那首《白發親娘》,可每每聽到“娘啊,娘啊,白發親娘……”時,我就以為是“娘啊,娘啊,白發新娘”。我一直認為這首歌是獻給黃昏戀、鼓勵老年人婚姻的主旋律歌曲。后來看到了歌詞,尷尬。

    波光里的艷影

    說到新娘,讓我想起幾年前我主持的婚禮。在介紹新娘時,我把全場氣氛烘托到極致,喊:“這就是我們今天的焦點人物――伴娘!”還有一次,那小新娘長得清靈如水,溫柔如夢,美麗如春花初綻,嬌怯如弱柳臨風。新郎新娘接吻時,新娘害羞,我本想說“新娘,你也主動點兒。”一興奮,脫口而出:“新娘,你也對我主動點兒……”全場鴉雀無聲,寒啊!

    在我的心頭蕩漾

    老婆用布擦電腦,我說用水擦好,就把布浸濕。結果,屏幕壞了。這期專欄寫得晚了,編輯催稿,我本想說“我電腦進水啦!”可是,說成“我腦子進水啦!”唉!尷尬啊!

    <三>、最新幽默短信

    絆他一跟頭

    螞蟻懶洋洋地躺在土里,伸出一只腿,朋友問你干嘛呢?螞蟻:待會大象來了,絆他一跟頭。

    沒躲開

    小蚊子哭著回家,媽媽問咋啦?小蚊:爸爸死啦!蚊媽媽:他沒帶你去看演出?小蚊子:看了,可觀眾一鼓掌,爸爸沒躲開。

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