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    手機搞笑幽默短信

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:30  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    我說“你是豬!”你說:我是豬才怪。”從此我就叫你‘豬才怪’。有一天,你終于忍不住,當著眾人大聲喊“我不是豬才怪!”

    你拿白云做衣裳,向小鳥借對翅膀插上,你箭一般的飛到我的面前,告訴我——鳥人就是這個模樣!

    經過一夜的奮戰以后,妻子對丈夫說“我終于明白,猿人為什么能進化到直立行走了”丈夫問“啥原因”“被壓直的”

    一男驚慌失措沖出小食店,一女手舉百元大鈔狂追,尖叫“還我貞操”路人皆惑,見女追上男,把百元大鈔扔給男,男把幾十元給了女。原來是“還我真鈔”

    發明家向朋友夸耀:我發明了一種機器人,簡直和人一模一樣!朋友問:它從不出錯嗎?發明家:不。但是當它犯了錯誤時,會把責任推到其它機器人的身上!

    一同學買了盤“雄蚊樂”蚊香。大家問“怎么叫雄蚊樂呢?”“雌蚊子出來吸血都被熏得昏沉沉的,雄蚊不正好乘機……”

    一農民父親在兒子信中看到“網蟲”一詞,感覺新鮮,立即回信:“你爹這輩子只見過蝗蟲、菜青蟲,帶一公一母網蟲回家,活的不行,死的也可。”

    妻子同丈夫商量:“我想在鋼琴上放一座音樂大師的塑像,你看誰最合適?”丈夫:“根據你的水平,我選貝多芬。”“為什么?”“因為他是聾子”

    農民趕驢進城,遇到個無賴問:吃飯了沒有?農民說:吃了!無賴卻說:我問的是驢!農民轉身對驢就是兩耳光說:給老子不老實!城里有親戚也不說一聲!

    售貨員對一個正在抽的顧客說:“先生,我們這里禁止抽煙。”顧客回答:“這可是在你們這里買的香煙。”售貨員:“那又怎么樣,我們這里還賣手紙呢!”

    甲:“唉,上次假日我和女友去山上渡假,結果弄出人命來了。”乙大驚:“啊?”甲又不好意思地說:“是和女朋友弄出一條小生命來了。”

    警察發現有輛車每跑10米就要上下顛簸一下。于是,他追上去截住那輛車:“您的車怎么啦?”司機滿臉惶恐:“沒,沒什么,警察先生,我,我老打嗝。”

    某主持人賽前講注意事項:“大家要等我說完‘開始’以后在搶答。”然后又進一步強調說:“一定要等我的‘始’出來后在搶哦!”

    媽媽教訓小明:“你這個孩子怎么不懂事啊?舅舅在這里,你怎么還想要去動物園看狗熊?”

    您想擁有一副好的牙齒嗎?這里送給你三點經驗:一、飯后漱口早晚刷牙;二、每兩年去醫院檢查一次牙齒;三、少管閑事。

    口誤:小張對小麗關懷地說:“下雨了,別忘了打傘,濕身了是小事,淋病就麻煩大了!”

    有個人被狗咬傷,趕忙到醫生那里上藥。醫生正準備下班,滿臉不快:“看看幾點了,怎么這時候才來?”“對不起啊,我是知道的,可是,狗不懂啊!”

    女生叫道:“老師!剛剛我在廁所里看見很多螞蟻”英文老師順口問道:“那螞蟻怎么說?”女生吃驚地看著老師說:“螞蟻……它什么都沒說……”

    公交車上不知是誰放了一個臭屁,大家都在猜測,售票員發話了:那個放屁的同志沒買票吧?話剛落,一時髦女子果然中計,大聲回道:我買票了!

    甲:我發現排隊的形式隨著年齡的增長會有所不同。例如小學生總是一隊隊的,而中學生卻是一堆堆的。乙問:“那大學生呢?”“那還用問,一對對的嘛!”

    單位領導總結發言:我們工作搞不好的原因是:一是像寡婦睡覺,上面沒人;二是像妓女,上面老換人;三是像和老婆睡覺,自己人老搞自己人。

    發生交通意外,許多人圍觀,一名記者擠不進去,靈機一動他大喊:我是傷者的兒子,請讓讓!圍觀者果然讓開一條路,那位記者過去一看,壓死的是一只狗!

    某人一天與3個大漢打架。回來以后便吹牛:“我讓他們打了兩個小時硬沒把我打倒。”別人問怎么回事?他說:他們把我綁樹上打得。

    某公司招聘,下位面試的女孩英文名叫spring。秘書欲賣弄一下自己的英語水平,喊道:那個叫“春”的,到你了……

    學校考試,有位老兄不會便拿出紙團抓鬮。他抓了又抓老師過來問他干什么,他反問:“難道不要驗算嗎?”

    一架飛機將墜機,人們搶著逃生,最后只剩一個學生和駕駛員:別管我,只有一個傘包了你快跳吧。學生:哪里,還有一個,剛剛一個伯伯背的是我書包。

    一個人倒垃圾,不小心掉了進去,一個老太太走過來拉起他說:城里人真浪費不就是丑了點嘛,也不至于扔了啊!

    女教師指著黑板上蘋果問:孩子們,這是什么?孩子答:屁股。女教師哭著告校長學生氣她,校長來了一看:你們怎么把老師氣哭了?還在黑板上畫了個屁股!

    一歌手一曲唱罷,四個評委暈倒三個,最后一個熱淚盈眶緊緊握住歌手的手:人才呀!人家唱歌要錢,你唱歌可要命!

    推銷員推銷自動刮臉機:只要投一個硬幣進去,把臉伸進機器里,一下就刮好了。顧客問:可人的臉型不一樣啊。推銷員說:第一次確實是這樣的。

    一人把車開到修理鋪并對修理工說“我的汽車每次轉彎之后都會發出嘭的一聲悶響。”傍晚他來取車時,看到修理單:修理費0元(請勿將保齡球放置在尾箱)

    家住農村的司機為討好局長,從自家拿來青玉米送給局長。局長客氣地說“這多不好,讓你破費了。”司機說“這不算什么,在我們那里這些玉米都是喂豬”。

    餓狼覓食,聽到有家人在訓孩子“再哭,把你扔出去喂狼”孩子哭了一夜,狼第二天早晨長嘆一聲“人類說話不算數”

    兒子每晚要和媽媽睡。媽說:你長大娶了媳婦也和媽睡呀? 兒答:嗯! 媽說:那你媳婦咋辦?兒說:讓她跟爸睡。 爸聽后激動的說:這孩子從小就懂事!

    某君開車內急 情急之下尿在空雪碧瓶里。趁堵車時奔下車想把瓶仍到垃圾桶里被一敬職的巡警攔住 瓶里裝的啥 喝剩的雪碧,那你喝一口給我看看!

    局長與科長共乘電梯,局長放一屁后對科長說:你放屁了!科長說:不是我放的。不久科長被免職。局長在會上說:屁大的事你都擔待不起,要你何用?

    女外地家里房子要裝修,向老板請了一周假。一周后房子沒有裝修完,只好發電報續假。老板接到電報后大吃一驚!電報上寫道:房事未畢,續假一周。

    找人:“卞經理在嗎?”“大的還是小的?”“四十歲左右”“大卞不在。你找秘書吧。卞秘你來一下!”卞秘:“你直接找他愛人——會計科的卞太就行!”

    乘客:“售票員同志,車廂里的椅子怎么這么臟啊?”售票員:“這是頭趟車,等拉完這趟乘客,下趟就干凈啦。”

    一位女士到商場退換短褲,堅持說自己沒穿過,售貨員檢查內褲后說:“難道我們純白色的短褲會夾黑色線頭嗎?”

    有一個小孩頭長的像磚頭,問媽媽:我的頭像磚頭嗎?他媽怕傷他自尊,就說你去井里照照吧。他剛到井邊一照,就聽井底有人喊:上邊可別亂扔磚頭啊!

    動物園分房子,分給老虎兩室一廳,卻只給熊分了兩室。熊很不高興,質問園長為什么。園長說:瞅你那個熊樣,還要廳(聽)?

    傻根錢被騙子騙光,在家鄉只好幫人打雜賣水產,從此市場里整天回蕩著他響亮的叫賣聲:田蝦~烏賊!田蝦~烏賊!

    一家有三兄弟,大的叫流氓,老二叫菜刀,老三叫麻煩,一天老三丟了,老大帶老二去報警,到了警局,老大說:“我是流氓,今天帶菜刀來是找麻煩的。”

    某醫科大學中心廣場上豎一偉人象,高舉右手五指分開向大家揮手,老生曰:此乃告訴各位新生-同學們,五年啊!

    一位心地善良的老先生沿街緩緩地行走,看見一個男孩想按門鈴,但怎么也夠不到。于是伸手幫他按響了門鈴。男孩這時對老先生說:干的好,咱們快跑吧!

    長夜漫漫無心睡眠,宿舍一個姐妹問到:男人在女人們心中到底是什么? 一女答道:男人就是掏耳朵用的衛生棉球,伸進去捅一捅,就扔了算了……

    麻雀問烏鴉:你是什么鳥?烏鴉說:我是鳳凰。麻雀:有你這么黑的鳳凰?烏鴉白了麻雀一眼說:我是燒鍋爐的鳳凰!

    一老外在街上找飯館。看門口寫著:牛肉面、大排面、便飯。記下后進門對服務員說道:你好,給我來一碗“牛大便”。

    小男孩問媽媽:“媽媽,我到底是從哪里來的?”媽媽就支吾地解釋了半天生殖的過程。兒子聽完一頭霧水地說:怎么會這樣?我的同桌說他是從山西來的!


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