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    搞笑短消息24條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:30  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

      中央對和諧社會要求:家庭不解散,情人不搗蛋,同事情誼要完善,同學情誼要長遠,找個美女不添亂,領導批評不瞪眼,朋友見面話長短,哄著老婆笑開顏。

     官場速寫:身體越來越胖心胸越來越窄;頭銜越來越多學問越來越淺;講話越來越長真話越來越少;權力越來越大威信越來越低;年紀越來越老情人越來越小。

     男人有錢有時間無脾氣,絕品;男人有錢無時間無脾氣,珍品;男人無錢有時間無脾氣,上品;男人無錢無時間無脾氣,次品;男人無錢無時間有脾氣,廢品。

     當官的難處:體質弱的累死,心胸窄的氣死,智商低的愁死,膽量小的嚇死,酒量小的喝死,性欲差的羞死,只有象您這樣全能型的領導才會讓同仁們美死!

     什么叫政治?黑唄。什么叫權力?整唄。什么叫升官?送唄。什么叫學問?抄唄。什么叫瀟灑?不回家唄。什么叫沖動?醉唄。什么叫有本事?吹唄。

     請熟練運用好當今社會的加、減、乘、除法,你會享用不盡的。即:報告成績用加法,接受任務用減法,計算報酬用乘法,檢查錯誤用除法……

     十類人不宜做大官:1、酒量小。2、話多。3、錢少。4、關系差。5、疾惡如仇。6、才華橫溢。7、學歷太高。8、膽小。9、性功能差。10、有姿色不肯獻身。望對照檢查。

     有種溫馨來自于心靈中的惦記;有種快樂來自于罹中的回憶;有種關愛超越了世俗的軌跡;有種溫暖放在心中象彩虹一樣美麗!祝在新的一周里天天好心情!

     最新八大傻:戀愛不成上吊的,做愛時候不叫的,別人送錢不要的,偷看別人撒尿的,找鴨還要發票的,合同簽成無效的,只跟老公睡覺的,看著手機傻笑的!

     老婆是大樹,一定要抱住;情人是小草,一定要護好;栽一棵大樹,種一片小草;大樹下乘涼,草地上溜鳥,和諧社會,綠色環保,啊,這樣的日子多美好!

     蝴蝶對小蜜蜂說“你真夠小氣的,裝一肚子甜言蜜語卻一句也舍不得給我說”,蜜蜂說“哼,還說我呢,你頭上頂那么長兩根天線咋不給我發短信?”

     黨出煙,你出肺,為了國家多收稅;黨出酒,你出胃,喝得美了正好睡;黨出小姐,你陪睡,得了性病報藥費;黨出貪官,你行賄,革命工作真他媽累!

     祝事業如飛機上做愛=一日千里;工作如洞房花燭夜=一炮走紅;成就如小孩的雞雞=來日方長;財富如妓女收入=與日俱增;為人如老太小伙做愛=古道熱腸。

     修改婚姻法時,打字員一時疏忽把一夫一妻打成了一天一夫。人大黨委會審議時普遍反映:就這條改得好,與時俱進,就是怕貨源供應不了。

     小姐向警察解釋自己沒有賣淫:我只是把兩元的避孕套賣到了二百元,最多算抬高物價。警察:后來呢?小姐說:教他如何使用,屬于售后服務。

     農村在上掃盲課,一女教師說:一天就是一日,一日就是一天。一老農站曰:老師,一天一日我們基本能做到,但是一日就是一天,怕不好整。

     汽車上,某男撞在某女身上,女大怒:你三條腿還站不穩!男擺擺手說:算啦算啦,我不和你吵,反正你橫豎都是嘴。

     生產隊殺鵝加菜,隊長寫通知,把鵝字寫得較散,變成:“下午男人殺我鳥,女人撥我毛,晚上男女老少吃我鳥肉!也可吃我鳥蛋!剩下我鳥毛明天賣掉。”

     女人的臉是文明小區,紅唇是特區,肩頭是免稅區,胸口是禁區,乳房是服務區,腰部是解放區,屁股是郊區,玉腿是旅游區,陰部既是開發區,也是重災區。

     中國處女現狀:一部分小心自損一批;犯罪份子破壞一批;感情騙子誘惑一批;僉程序消耗一批;生活所迫上市一批;看破紅塵留守一批;科技發展修復一批。

     龍蝦想成名,機會終于來了,電視臺拍廣告,臺詞是:白白嫩嫩,象水晶一樣透明。龍蝦嚇一跳問:這不是蝦仁嗎?導演回答:不就脫一次嗎?不脫咋能成名呢?

     人生感語:當工作和愛情不如意時,可掏出小弟弟,凝視它、靜思它所蘊含之精神:能長能短,能粗能細,能伸能曲,能軟能硬,學學它,眼前的困難算個鳥!

     聽說有一天你到賓館早餐,服務員問要什么?你假裝不會國語,于是用手指胸部。服務員也算聰明伶俐,馬上喊:“漢堡包兩個,鮮奶兩杯,外加兩顆草莓。”

     離你越遠就越想你,離你越近就越愛你,長時間的不見你,卻晚晚發夢夢見你,不相信一見鐘情,卻相信日久生情,陰雨綿綿情也綿綿,想念你的人晚晚失眠。

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