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    幽默搞笑短信35條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:24  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    我粗魯的跨坐你身上,你不發一語靜靜看著我,直到發覺你不自主的顫抖和越來越急促的喘氣聲,才發現你承受不住!……該死的摩托又熄火了!

    愛你愛的那么苦,

    想你想的那么累,

    愛你的心不悔,

    想你的心不累,

    愛你愛的情綿綿,

    想你想的無法睡,

    只想對你說句——

    幫我買夜宵!

    戀人在大街上相遇,女的飛似地跑來將男的擁住,道:快點…男的驚慌失措,說:好意思嗎?這么多人面前!女的說:好意思嗎?在這么多人面前開著褲子拉鏈

    老師布置學生打掃衛生:女同學拖地,男同學擦黑板!放學時老師檢查衛生打掃情況,走進教室,他怒道:女的都脫(拖)了男的怎么還不插(擦)!

    美人對眼睛來說是極樂,對心靈來說是地獄,對腰包來說是煉獄。經過一夜的奮戰以后,妻子對丈夫說:我終于明白,猿人為什么能進化到直立行走了……丈夫問:啥原因?妻子說:被壓直的!

    女兒要寫“媽媽的手”的作文,可不會寫手字,她問媽媽:手字的尾巴是向左還是向右?媽媽忙,不耐煩的說:向右!就這樣…女兒的作文標題寫為:媽媽的毛

    少女:神父,昨天我允許我男朋友吻我!神父:就只有這樣?少女:他扯下我的三角褲!神父:那接下來呢?少女:我母親便走進房間來了!神父:真是煞風景

    某村長穿短褲做報告,講到激動時,把一只腳放在桌子上,小弟弟不小心露出來,下面嘩然,他以為是大家聽得不耐煩了,說:這才是個頭,長的還在后面呢!

    食堂中午菜單有紅燒雞,每份八毛。小麗在去食堂的路上碰到已經買好菜的同學,便問:中午有啥好菜?同學答曰:紅燒J8毛!

    神父和修女困在沙漠中,駱駝也累死了,他們決定干從未做過的那件事!當兩人欲火高漲時,神父:待會插進你那里能給與生命!修女怒:那你快去插那只駱駝

    老人對醫生說:要10粒偉哥,每一粒分成四分!醫生告訴他那樣不會有什么效果。老人答:我只是想讓我的家伙能稍稍伸出一點,那樣我就不用尿在褲子上了

    少婦來到一家藥店問售貨員:你這賣超大號的避孕套嗎?售貨員問:是的,你要買嗎?少婦答:哦,我不買。不過你介意我在這里等有人來買嗎?

    一老頭和老太看了黃碟后二人皆放聲痛哭,老頭曰:都快臨死了,才知道還有那么多姿勢,虧了!老太也抹著鼻涕道:活了一輩子都沒尋思那個東西還能生吃!

    女秘書在參加環保日、衛生日、地球日的活動后,辦公室主任通知她還要參加節水日并演講,女秘書大怒:今天這個日,明天那個日,我實在受不了!

    一小女孩到某毛刷廠打工,兩年后,下身長出了毛。嚇得連忙找廠長辭職。廠長說:沒關系!并脫下褲子讓小女孩看,小女孩驚叫:哇!你連刷柄都長出來了!

    男超人和女超人比做俯臥撐,男超人做完地上一個坑,女超人做完地上兩個坑,為什么呢?——別想歪了,因為男超人是一只手做的,女超人是兩只手做的啦!

    三男一起去嫖娼,妓問:你們有多長,甲答:18CM。乙答:20cm。丙答:6cm!妓女說:我跟短的玩。過會她跑出說:這牲口說的是寬度!

    夫妻伴著音樂同房,值關健處音樂斷,夫說:該翻了(磁帶)!妻一聽,轉而趴下,繼續,至片刻,夫又說:該翻了!妻大怒道:你究竟是在干我還是在煎餅!

    西門慶夜宿武大家,為確定武大是否熟睡,西門慶就拔武大一根腿毛,拔了五次時,武大起身怒道:你要和我老婆怎么搞都無所謂!但請不要拔我的腿毛做記錄

    老師布置作文《我生長的地方》,一學生寫道:我生長的地方很多,這個題目讓我覺得不好意思,尤其是我正處于青春期,身體各方面都快速生長……

    2004年亞洲杯剛剛結束后,正值青春期的兒子手淫被球迷父親發現,父親大怒,暴打兒子,罵曰:學誰不好,你學日本隊,用手射?

    某小姐和幾個男打牌,輸光了錢還想打,就說:如果再輸了,我就脫衣服!別人問:沒本錢就別玩了!小姐回答說:我這叫“以人為本”!

    一少婦跑進藥店問男老板要治療打嗝的藥,老板掀她裙子開始親吻,少婦尖叫。老板停下來,得意的說:你不打嗝了吧?少婦:不是我,是我先生。

    一女和情人偷情,丈夫回來,女:快假裝石膏像站著別動!第二天,夫遞給石膏像一杯水:兄弟,喝點吧!我在別人家站了三天,連口水都沒得喝!

    眼科醫生治好了畫家的眼,畫家出于感激畫了一個大眼睛,在瞳孔中央為他畫了肖像。眼科醫生興奮地說:謝謝!幸虧我不是肛門科醫生。

    林平之終于得到了《葵花寶典》,翻開第一頁:要練此功,揮刀自宮。經反復斗爭,終于割了。翻開第2頁,寫道:若以自宮,歡迎入宮——皇宮急需太監數名

    某男到銀行取錢碰到排長隊,于是小聲的對稍前一女說:小姐能讓我在你前面插一下嗎?女問:你取多少錢?男:五千!女高興的說:晚上到我那去讓你插個夠!

    學習委員是MM,一次課間十分鐘的時候她對大家說:“班主任要我收齊全部復習資料的費用,大家都到我這兒來吧,一次性交120塊錢,好了,快來吧。”

    一女逛商場時戴的衛生巾掉下來。女羞,一腳踩住!旁邊一男以為是錢包:我的!快還給我!女怒,撿起衛生巾就扔在男臉上,男:給就給嗎,把我臉打出血了

    悟飯和笨熊喝醉了,悟飯對笨熊說:當年我跟老婆求婚時,整整跪了一小時,你跪了嗎?笨熊自豪地說:我老婆說我就免跪了,將來有的是機會!......

    大姐求您了,別來回撥弄了,您不是已經看了,又粗又長挺棒的!皮都讓您弄脫了,毛都快沒了,這可是我第一次做事呀!剛下來的玉米,不買就算了!

    老師指著ABC說;跟我念!小明只念A與C,老師問小明:為什么不念B?小明;媽媽說好孩子不能說那個字!老師想了一下;那個B是外國的!

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