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    搞笑幽默手機短信

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:25  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    一個小男孩抽煙被老師撞見,老師:你這么小為什么就學抽煙?小男孩很嚴肅地說:唉,祖國還沒統一,心情很惆悵,抽支煙解解悶

    朋友小吳春節到我家拜年,從上到下一身皮貨:頭上皮帽,身上皮衣,腿上皮褲,手戴皮手套,腳穿皮鞋。兒子開口說了一句:小吳叔叔,你臉上怎么沒皮啊?

    一個老師帶學生去游泳,老師穿的內褲很窄漏出一根毛,學生問老師這是什么?老師忍痛撥掉了這根毛說,是線頭!

    懸崖上一只小老鼠揮舞著短短的前爪,一次又一次跳下去,努力學習飛翔,旁邊母蝙蝠看著它摔的頭破血流,憂心的說:它爹,要不告訴它,它不是咱親生的!

    從女生宿舍樓下走過,看到了一個好友,高聲吹噓說,看,我剪了一個酷頭。二樓馬上有一女生伸出頭來說,我的褲頭,你揀的是我的褲頭

    主持人報幕:下面由張明帶來一首《水牛》, 到幕后又急跑出來:對不起,張明獻給大家的是《水車》,結果音樂響起,是鄭智化的《水手》

    對不起,那么晚了還發短信給你,如果有吵到你的話,在此跟你說聲--活該!誰叫你要比我早睡了,呵呵

    如果長得好看是一種錯,我已經鑄成大錯,如果可愛是一種罪,我已經犯了滔天大罪,做人真難!…你就好啦~沒錯又沒罪…真羨慕你

    張飛帶兵過河,聞水有魚專食JJ,便心生一計,令將士入后庭花插成一隊,孔明聞之怒:笨!若如此必有一兵失J,環而插之,才是王道

    公交車上一人踩了另一人的腳,挨踩的罵:你瞎了?!踩人的回口:沒瞎啊,我不是正好踩中了么

    禮拜日牧師說:今天收集到的錢,都將用來拯救墮落女人。一個吝嗇鬼竟然向募捐箱扔了錢,過了幾天,他問牧師:我們湊錢買的那些姑娘什么時候能送來?

    親友團在快餐店相親,小伙子謙恭得體,未來岳父為了檢驗他是否抽煙,遞過去一根薯條:來一根吧?小伙子咽了下口水說:謝謝,不會。

    有一個靦腆的男孩向一個女孩問到:你喜歡什么樣的男孩?女孩說:投緣的,男孩哭喪著臉問到:頭扁的不行嗎?

    一個傻子路過醫院搶救室,里面有一女子溺水,脫光了在搶救。傻子對別人說:完了,肯定沒救了,胸口打出兩大包,下面還劃了個大口子。

    某人的JJ有三個蛋,心里很郁悶,便去找醫生說:大夫,您可別跟別人說,咱倆的蛋加起來有五個。大夫驚訝的說:啊? 你就一個?

    夫妻倆多年沒有孩子,丈夫去醫院檢查,大夫說:你精蟲太少,可能會永遠不育。丈夫說:TMD,早知道就不浪費那么多套套了!

    小明踩著了一個外國留學生的腳。這個外國人憋了半天才用中文說道:你的腳,放在我的腳上,而且還使勁!

    妻子懷孕但夫妻還是行房。小孩出生的后居然馬上問道:誰是我爸?爸爸聽了很高興的過去,孩子用指頭一個勁戳他老爸的頭說:這樣戳你疼不疼?!

    妻子問:我帶的這個假發好不好看?丈夫說:它提醒了我一件忘了很久的事情。妻子說:是年輕時候的我吧?丈夫說:我想起家里的拖把還沒有買!

    夜里忽聞有響動。妻子:你去看看吧。丈夫:我不敢。妻子:哼!一點勇氣也沒有。丈夫:我是沒勇氣!否則早就有情人了。

    首長檢閱部隊,走到第一排的軍人面前,在他胸口錘了兩次,笑著說:胸肌不錯么。當兵的馬上打個立正說:報告首長,我是女兵!

    幼兒園的小朋友向暗戀的女老師表白,老師笑著說:我是不要小孩子啦。小朋友說:放心吧老師,我一定會很小心的。

    眾公雞追母雞引頸長鳴,一公雞眼睛紅紅不語,母雞心動。新婚,母雞:你真酷,當時咋不叫?公雞:那天喝多了,怕吐。

    二丐外出乞食,見一堆酸臭餿飯,甲大喜食之,乙作觀望,并不爭食。

    數分鐘后甲忽感不適,吐!乙大喜:等的就是這口熱的!

    老和尚臨終前遺憾一輩子沒見過女人,小和尚就下山找了個妓 女脫光給他看,老和尚看后感慨說:怎么和尼姑一樣呀!話罷,就閉眼了。

    在海南的一所中學里,有一位兢兢業業的數學老師。一天,他在走路時被樹上掉下來的椰子砸到了頭。后來,他改教政治了。

    一雙胞胎,小名狗屁和狗屎,一天狗屁被老師留下,狗屎找老師說:老師,你放狗屁吧!老師很生氣,扯住狗屎。狗屁急了:老師,你別拉狗屎!

    聽說你的小雞雞掉了,所以祝你剩蛋快樂,又聽說你的蛋蛋越長越圓,所以又祝你圓蛋快樂!

    一時髦女子輕盈走上公交車,見一空座,掏出餐巾紙猛擦一陣后才坐下,不料放了個屁,旁一男子笑曰:我靠,真干凈,擦完還吹吹!

    有個人第一次在集市上賣冰棍,不好意思叫賣,旁邊有一個人正高聲喊:賣冰棍!,他只好喊道:我也是。

    葛優去廁所回來褲子濕了一大塊。朋友:你的褲子怎么濕啦?葛優:自從我成名之后經常這樣,旁邊人總撒著尿突然轉過來大叫:這不是葛優嗎!

    漂亮的醫生問患者:你回去有事嗎?患者結巴的說:我一會要回去上班,如果晚上.....大夫推了一下說,誰問你這個?我是說上次看完你回去后有沒有異常!

    飯店里客人點菜,看到服務生總撓屁股,便問到:有痔瘡吧?服務生為難地說:先生,請按菜單點菜好嗎?

    小伙子以近乎成本價買了沙發,又要求老板娘以折扣價賣給他床。老板娘:你可真貪!在沙發上占了老娘的便宜,還想在床上占老娘的便宜!

    乙:大哥,忙嘛呢?甲:打官司!乙:原告被告啊?甲:原告。乙:原告光榮啊。甲:光榮個P!你嫂子被人強 J了!

    所謂的“指腹為婚”就是--指著女朋友的肚子對爹媽說:爸、媽,我們要結婚了!

    “這孩子長得跟我一模一樣!”大哥得意地對朋友說,“不要難過。”朋友安慰,“小孩丑一點沒關系,只要健康活潑就好了。”

    聽說你游泳被判十年,不就是游泳不小心放了個屁,飄上來許多死魚外加20名潛水員和一艘核潛艇,專家說你持有大規模殺傷性武器嗎!

    跳樓自殺請注意:痛快一點到八樓,喘口氣到七樓,想掙扎到六樓,想殘廢到五樓,想住院到四樓,純粹想嚇人到三樓,跳興趣到二樓,只想看熱鬧到一樓。

    嫂洗澡,弟無意中闖入,嫂義正詞嚴:你這樣做對得起你哥嗎?弟羞欲走,嫂又道:你這樣走了對得起你嫂子嗎?

    商店布匹柜臺前,女店員按一顧客要求將他買的布撕成小條,然后顧客又要求她把面條打結,店員怒:你神經病!顧客:對啊,我有醫院證明。

    有一天胡蘿卜見客戶,恭敬地遞上名片,客戶看了看名片后驚訝的問到:你怎么叫高麗參了?胡蘿卜小腰一挺:人家啥韓了嘛!

    深夜,孩子哭了起來,媽媽有病不能哄,父親抱起來準備唱一段催眠曲,剛開了個頭,妻子求饒到:還是讓孩子哭吧

    有人在黃山的石壁上寫道:我和太太來此一游,很愉快,特留字為念。幾天以后,旁邊多了另一行字:我到此一游,沒帶太太,更愉快,特留字為念。

    蚊子在你胳膊上大喝一通,你被叮醒,在你掄起來要打蚊子的一剎那,蚊子對你說:我身體里可流著你的血!

    餐廳中,女:你到底打算跟我結婚嗎?男的沉默。女:別以為沒人要我,搞火了我馬上就在這找個人嫁了!侍應生走過來:小姐,你把本店的客人都嚇跑了。

    小寶跟爹媽睡在一起,見有蚊子在蚊帳的破洞飛進飛出,小寶便跟著念:進去!出來!進去!出來!突然聽到爸爸罵道:我不用你指揮我!

    那天在街上看到你了,你和一個人在一起,我一眼就看出他不是好人,他在你后面不停的拍打你的屁股。我很氣憤,對他說:前面趕驢的,住手!

    “警官救命!”電話傳來驚慌的聲音“有個強盜跑進一個老處女的房間!”警官急忙詢問出事地點并問對方是誰。對方顫抖著回答:“我就是那強盜”

    送你十二生肖祝你:聯盟如鼠,強壯如牛,膽大如虎,可愛如兔,自信如龍,魅力如蛇,浪漫如馬,溫順如羊,頑皮如猴,美麗如雞,忠誠如狗,長的象豬!


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