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    搞笑短信50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:27  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    一位婦產科醫生自己開業了,第一天回家后妻子問他:今天成績如何?醫生答到:不算太壞,雖然產婦和嬰兒都沒保住,但總算把嬰兒的父親救活了

    想你,有一種溫馨的感覺。見你,是一種痛苦的期待。愛你,是我一生的追求。夢你,是我永久的情懷。其實揍你,才是我心中快樂之所在!

    在友誼的路上,有時你看不到我,不是我把你遺忘,更不是讓你一人走,是我選擇走在你后面,當你跌倒時,我就趕緊跑上去,嘿嘿,我踩!我踩!我踩踩踩!

    傳說今晚陰魂不散死光又現愿鬼聽到我的呼喚半夜來到你的床前蒼白的臉幽綠的眼干枯的手撫摸你的臉說:要想皮膚好早晚用大寶

    某男入廁便秘,忽見一人飛奔而入,頃刻風雨交加。“哥們兒,真羨慕你呀,那么快。”“羨慕啥,還沒脫褲子呢。”

    聽說你家老鼠搬家了,蒼蠅熏進醫院了,剛才在超市看見你家蟑螂來買清新劑,臭蟲也來買香水了,哥們兒,你就洗洗腳吧!

    不泡絕色美女不知道什么叫神魂顛倒,不得性病不知道快樂之后也有煩惱,不泡洋妞不知道什么叫招架不了,不看黃片不知道自己是一只小小小小鳥

    現代美女宣言:把六十歲的男人思想搞亂,把五十歲的男人財產霸占,讓四十歲的男人妻離子散,把三十歲的男人腰桿搞斷,讓二十歲的男人都他媽滾蛋!

    喝酒五階段:一處女階段,嚴防死守。二少婦階段,半推半就。三壯年階段,來者不拒。四寡婦階段,你不找我我找你。五老太太階段,明知不行還瞎比劃!

    鴨子和螃蟹賽跑,一起達到終點,難分勝負,裁判說:你們來個剪刀石頭布吧!鴨子怒:媽的,算計我?我一出就是布,他總是剪刀!

    桔子深受著柚子,表達愛意時卻遭到拒絕,桔子大吼:為什么?這一切都是為什么?柚子膽怯地說:俺媽說了,衣服太好脫的女人都不是好東西

    母蛤蟆為躲避一追求她的公蛤蟆而躲進狗洞里,公蛤蟆耐心的守在洞口,不一會從狗洞鉆出一只耗子,公蛤蟆傷心的說:難怪你不愛我了,原來狗給你買貂皮了

    兔子和熊在森林里大便,熊問兔子:毛粘上便便沒事吧?兔子說:沒事。于是熊就拿兔子擦屁股。

    有一個好消息和一個壞消息告訴你。好消息就是—你的耐力贏得我的尊重;壞消息就是—我會加倍努力地修理你!

    妻哭道:婚前你不是說我是你的全世界嗎??為什么你現在又去找別的女人?夫:嗯……那是因為我的地理常識變豐富了!妻:……

    獄警沖著一位犯人喊道:喂,你老婆看你來了。犯人:哪一個?獄警大聲呵斥:哪一個!?你小子有幾個老婆!犯人:我是犯重婚罪進來的。

    火車上,一位白人與一位黑人婦女正在給各自的嬰兒喂奶。“媽媽,媽媽,”白人寶寶停下來撒嬌,“我也要喝巧克力奶。”

    探險家在沙漠里迷路,一位美麗的仙女端了杯紅莓汁給他。探險家喝后覺得味道不錯說:“再來一杯!”仙女含羞地說:“要等到下個月才有!”

    僅僅是一陣風也罷了,偏偏是這樣永恒;僅僅是一場夢也罷了,偏偏是如此真實;你低頭不語,我卻難以平靜,我終于禁不住要對你說:你放屁先說一聲啊!

    以短信消磨時間的稱為信生活,只收不發的為信冷淡,狂發一氣的稱為信亢奮,發錯對象是信騷擾,收發成問題是信功能障礙和缺乏信高潮。

    早晨我吃不下飯,因為我想你,中午我吃不下飯,因為我更加想你,晚上我吃不下飯,因為我瘋狂地想你,夜里我睡不著,因為我他媽餓啊!

    新婚次日一大早,新娘痛苦地從洞房走出,一手扶著墻壁,一手捂著下身,大罵:騙子!真是個騙子!結婚前說有三十年的積蓄,我還以為是錢呢!

    男女朋友睡一個房間,女的劃了條線:過線的是禽獸。醒來發現男的真的沒過線,女的狠狠打了男的一耳光:你連禽獸都不如!

    一對男女在親熱,男的十分賣力,女的卻毫無反映,男的生氣的問道:“你就不能有點反映嗎?連床也不會叫!”女的聽后連忙大叫:“床!!床!!”

    父親帶兒子去洗澡,地很滑,兒子將要滑倒時一把抓住父親的生〈!---->殖器才沒有倒下,父親罵到:他媽的!幸虧和我來的,要和你媽來非摔死你!

    皇帝見妃子愁容滿面,急召御醫,御醫診后開出處方:壯漢八條!帝外巡,回宮見妃容光煥發,殿前跪著八名瘦漢。帝:下跪何人?御醫:藥渣!

    我謹代表X中央,國務院,全國人大,中央軍委,港澳臺辦公室向你提出強烈抗議:你昨晚尿床留下的中國地圖為啥沒有臺灣!今晚記得補上!

    你拉著一頭豬逛街,很幸福的樣子,我經過滿懷同情的說:“看一個人的檔次,就看他跟誰在一起。”話未說完,就看那豬很鄙夷的棄你而去!

    瘸子和瞎子同騎一輛車外出.瞎子騎,瘸子看路.突然瘸子發現前面有一條深溝,急呼:溝溝溝!瞎子回唱到:噢嘞噢嘞噢嘞!二人一起掉入溝中

    好朋友就象胸罩舒服貼心永遠支撐著你,象內褲就算你大起大落他永遠包容著你,還象衛生巾你傷心流血他幫你擦,更象避孕套你捅了多大的婁子他都幫你兜著!

    生活美好多幸福,朋友很多不孤獨。勇敢向前不服輸,幽默短信發給豬,豬接短信就笑了,回信我也不要了,就當給豬上料了,效果我也知道了

    一農婦剛進城當保母,給主人收拾床時發現一用過避孕套,不知是何物,便問女主人。女主人反問:你們不作愛嗎?農婦回答:作,但沒你們這么狂,都脫皮了。

     新婚之夜,洞房內傳出私語,男說:我總算找到你的漏洞了,女說:我也終于抓到你的把柄了。

    我每天晚上為了想你都會積攢一顆流星,終于匯成了這場流星雨!我心里想著,小樣兒,我就不信砸不死你!

     某男在操場上看到一個漂亮女生,便想搭訕,于是從地上撿起一個東西走過去說:同學,請問這快板磚是你掉的嗎?

    有人說:你是豬,你說:我是豬才怪,從此以后大家見面都叫你:豬才怪,終于有一天你忍不住大喊:我不是豬才怪!

    你在一片菏葉上輕輕地舞著,你那優雅的身姿迷倒了所有看到你的人,其中有位詩人驚呼:天哪!豬立葉!另一位詩人搖頭道:不,是騾覓藕!

    幼兒園小芳教師指著黑板上的:m.a.i.d.b幾個拼音考考小朋友,小朋友們用最標準的發音說:“摸,阿,姨,的,波”

    你的一笑,狼都上吊。你的一叫,雞飛狗跳。你的一站,臭氣彌漫。你一出汗,虱子災難。你不打扮,比鬼難看。你一打扮,鬼嚇癱瘓。

    命運就像強 J,你反抗不了就要學會享受;工作就像L J,你不行了別人就上;生活就像自慰,什么都得靠自己的雙手;學習就象叫雞,既要出錢還得出力。

    愿好運像乳房一樣時常被你抓住,厄運像陰〈!---->道一樣永遠夾不住你,財富像陰〈!---->毛一樣時時把你圍繞,幸福像干完了事沒給錢的小姐一樣纏著你不放!祝你快樂!

    貓迫于生活壓力,只好去做臺。一日老鼠來店,看中了貓,貓堅拒。老鼠大怒:“想當初,你追我追的死去活來,現在老子送上門,你還假正經!”

    兩人在玩撲克,他伸出雙手說:一對五;她把腳也伸出來說:一對十:他把褲子一脫說:一對蛋:她急得把文胸一扯說:一對尖!他盯著猶豫一會兒說:大!

    一男子在墻邊拉開拉鏈,管理員立馬上前拉住,說:“隨地大小便,罰款5元。”那男子說:“我又沒尿,自家的東西,掏出來看看不行啊?!

    冰箱里有五顆雞蛋,第一個對第二個說:你看第五個雞蛋有毛毛耶!好KB!第二個對第三個說,第三個對第四個說,第五個聽見了,罵道:滾!老子是獼猴桃!

    一頭驢子能馱100斤,二頭驢子能馱200斤,而你只帶了三頭驢子就帶回來400斤糧食,為什么?

    明早你會看見一只蚊子躺在你枕邊,旁邊有一遺囑:昨晚努力了一夜也沒能刺破你的臉,你的臉皮厚得讓我無臉活在這個世上,所以請不要懷疑是謀殺,我是自殺!

    一男人覺得把自己養了二十多年的女兒嫁出去實在是虧,就和老伴說要玩罷之后再嫁出去,老伴說:“老不死的,你和我爸一個德行”。

    女:為何從前你對我百依百順,可是剛剛結婚三天,你就和我吵了兩次架?男:恩,一般來說,我的忍耐是有限度的。

    天蒼蒼野茫茫,今年的希望太渺茫;水灣灣路長長,沒錢的日子太漫長;樓高高人忙忙,今夜能否與你結伴搶銀行?接頭暗號:我說小狗.你說:汪汪

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