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    搞笑幽默手機短信50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:26  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    屎殼郎與蚊子談戀愛,郎:你啥職業?蚊:護士,打針兒的,你呢?屎殼郎笑道:緣分吶,同行,俺是中藥局里捏藥丸的 

    一貎美小姐做流產,醫生故意弄的很痛,小姐大叫:疼!受不了!醫生:受不了也得受,誰叫你好受的時候不來找我。 

    拉面店柜臺前,一位漂亮女孩正排隊等候。到她時,拉面師傅問:你要粗的還是細的?女孩答:你位什么我就吃什么。 

    書店營業員板著臉:別看了,這兒是賣書的不是圖書館!顧客:你這是什么態度,沒一點笑臉。營業員:你是來買書的,還是來買笑的? 

    夜空一顆流星劃過,我連忙許了心愿,希望你能變漂亮些,誰知剛許完心愿,流星“嗖”地返回來,對我說:大哥!誠心為難我是不是?! 

    一次意外男孩把血捐給了他的女友,分手后男孩要求還他的血,女孩狠狠的把衛生巾丟在男孩臉上:“給!我會每月分期付款還你!”

    學問之美,在于使人一頭霧水;詩歌之美,在于煽動男女出軌;女人之美,在于蠢得無怨無悔;男人之美,在于說謊說得白日見鬼。 

    一對男女偷情,丈夫突然回家,男的沒顧穿衣服就跳窗逃跑,走在大街上路上圍觀,男的裝著若無其事看天:啊,這就是地球呀。路人說:操,裝雞毛外星人 

    聽說你的手機沒有短信功能,所以發這條短信試驗。如你收到,證實有短信功能并是我發的短信,請給我回復:我有了,是你的!

    單身的小王問老李:為什么法律規定一個男人只能娶一個老婆,老李語重心長地說:你有了老婆之后就會發現,其實這條法律是保護男人的。

    沙僧參加數學考試,監考老師盯著他脖子上的珠珠看了半天,冷笑道:嘿嘿!把算盤偽裝成這樣了,休想作弊,快摘下來

    北風又開始刮了,粗心的你總是這樣,每次都要我來提醒你多穿件衣服,可你也每次都不屑地回答說:我這么厚的豬皮是干嘛的?難道還怕那一點點小風嗎?

    上帝送我個寶盆,想啥它就變啥。我不小心想了你一次,它就變出一個你,我止不住想,它就不住變,最后滿屋都是你。我就愁呀:這么多小豬叫我咋喂呀。 

    你善良像貓兒,你忠實像狗兒,你可愛像鳥兒,你識途像馬兒,你出色像蝶兒,你勤勞像蜂兒,你什么都相像,也難怪大家都叫你--禽獸

    今天有人看見你了,你還是那樣迷人,穿著格子背心,慢悠悠地走著,一副超然自在的樣子,實在是可愛極了,真不知你當年是怎么賽過兔子的?

    胡蘿卜見客戶,恭敬地遞上名片,客戶看名片問:你怎么叫高麗參啦?胡蘿卜小腰一挺,“人家哈韓了嘛!” 

    老王的公牛和別人的母牛在玉米地里發情毀壞莊稼,法官判二人各賠一半。老王抱怨:母牛四只腳踩,我家公牛才兩只腳。

    一妓 女接客忘記拿套,順手拿香腸皮代替,哪知完事后竟留在里面。再次接客香腸皮被嫖客帶出,問女是什么。答曰處女膜。嫖客大怒:媽個B你家處女膜帶生產日期嗎?! 

    一個小女孩到西餅店買早點。她對老板說:老板!買個巧克力娃娃。老板:你要男娃還是女娃?女孩:當然是要男娃娃嘍!因為能吃的地方多了一點。

    禮拜六我們去約會好嗎?請答應我誠懇的請求吧!因為我真的很想跟去海邊漫步,去聆聽海的聲音,我會帶你爬上海邊最高的石頭然后--踢你下去

    還記得那個夜晚嗎?我們面對而坐,悄悄的一句話沒說,你瘋狂的摸,我也瘋狂的摸,就這樣摸了好久,突然你大叫一聲:啊!清一色,胡了!

    丈夫:如果我死了,我會把我忘了的吧?妻子:你放心好了,我怎么會把你忘了呢?我會經常提醒未來丈夫好好學習你的長處。

    男:我好喜歡你喔,我真的很喜歡你,我可不可以親親你?女:不要臉!男:那我親嘴好了。

    一個小男孩抽煙被老師撞見,老師:你這么小為什么就學抽煙?小男孩很嚴肅地說:唉,祖國還沒統一,心情很惆悵,抽支煙解解悶

    朋友小吳春節到我家拜年,從上到下一身皮貨:頭上皮帽,身上皮衣,腿上皮褲,手戴皮手套,腳穿皮鞋。兒子開口說了一句:小吳叔叔,你臉上怎么沒皮啊?

    從女生宿舍樓下走過,看到了一個好友,高聲吹噓說,看,我剪了一個酷頭。二樓馬上有一女生伸出頭來說,我的褲頭,你揀的是我的褲頭

    主持人報幕:下面由張明帶來一首《水牛》, 到幕后又急跑出來:對不起,張明獻給大家的是《水車》,結果音樂響起,是鄭智化的《水手》

    對不起,那么晚了還發短信給你,如果有吵到你的話,在此跟你說聲--活該!誰叫你要比我早睡了,呵呵

    如果長得好看是一種錯,我已經鑄成大錯,如果可愛是一種罪,我已經犯了滔天大罪,做人真難!…你就好啦~沒錯又沒罪…真羨慕你

    張飛帶兵過河,聞水有魚專食JJ,便心生一計,令將士入后庭花插成一隊,孔明聞之怒:笨!若如此必有一兵失J,環而插之,才是王道

    公交車上一人踩了另一人的腳,挨踩的罵:你瞎了?!踩人的回口:沒瞎啊,我不是正好踩中了么

    親友團在快餐店相親,小伙子謙恭得體,未來岳父為了檢驗他是否抽煙,遞過去一根薯條:來一根吧?小伙子咽了下口水說:謝謝,不會。

    一個傻子路過醫院搶救室,里面有一女子溺水,脫光了在搶救。傻子對別人說:完了,肯定沒救了,胸口打出兩大包,下面還劃了個大口子。

    某人的JJ有三個蛋,心里很郁悶,便去找醫生說:大夫,您可別跟別人說,咱倆的蛋加起來有五個。大夫驚訝的說:啊? 你就一個?

    夫妻倆多年沒有孩子,丈夫去醫院檢查,大夫說:你精蟲太少,可能會永遠不育。丈夫說:TMD,早知道就不浪費那么多套套了!

    夜里忽聞有響動。妻子:你去看看吧。丈夫:我不敢。妻子:哼!一點勇氣也沒有。丈夫:我是沒勇氣!否則早就有情人了。

    眾公雞追母雞引頸長鳴,一公雞眼睛紅紅不語,母雞心動。新婚,母雞:你真酷,當時咋不叫?公雞:那天喝多了,怕吐。

    一雙胞胎,小名狗屁和狗屎,一天狗屁被老師留下,狗屎找老師說:老師,你放狗屁吧!老師很生氣,扯住狗屎。狗屁急了:老師,你別拉狗屎!

    聽說你的小雞雞掉了,所以祝你剩蛋快樂,又聽說你的蛋蛋越長越圓,所以又祝你圓蛋快樂!

    漂亮的醫生問患者:你回去有事嗎?患者結巴的說:我一會要回去上班,如果晚上.....大夫推了一下說,誰問你這個?我是說上次看完你回去后有沒有異常!

    所謂的“指腹為婚”就是--指著女朋友的肚子對爹媽說:爸、媽,我們要結婚了!

    “這孩子長得跟我一模一樣!”大哥得意地對朋友說,“不要難過。”朋友安慰,“小孩丑一點沒關系,只要健康活潑就好了。”

    聽說你游泳被判十年,不就是游泳不小心放了個屁,飄上來許多死魚外加20名潛水員和一艘核潛艇,專家說你持有大規模殺傷性武器嗎!

    嫂洗澡,弟無意中闖入,嫂義正詞嚴:你這樣做對得起你哥嗎?弟羞欲走,嫂又道:你這樣走了對得起你嫂子嗎?

    商店布匹柜臺前,女店員按一顧客要求將他買的布撕成小條,然后顧客又要求她把面條打結,店員怒:你神經病!顧客:對啊,我有醫院證明。

    深夜,孩子哭了起來,媽媽有病不能哄,父親抱起來準備唱一段催眠曲,剛開了個頭,妻子求饒到:還是讓孩子哭吧

    有人在黃山的石壁上寫道:我和太太來此一游,很愉快,特留字為念。幾天以后,旁邊多了另一行字:我到此一游,沒帶太太,更愉快,特留字為念。

    餐廳中,女:你到底打算跟我結婚嗎?男的沉默。女:別以為沒人要我,搞火了我馬上就在這找個人嫁了!侍應生走過來:小姐,你把本店的客人都嚇跑了。

    那天在街上看到你了,你和一個人在一起,我一眼就看出他不是好人,他在你后面不停的拍打你的屁股。我很氣憤,對他說:前面趕驢的,住手!

    一位婦產科醫生自己開業了,第一天回家后妻子問他:今天成績如何?醫生答到:不算太壞,雖然產婦和嬰兒都沒保住,但總算把嬰兒的父親救活了


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