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    經典幽默短信50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:28  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

     還是你最好,我又開始想你了,再也不氣你了而且我覺得對你的愛每天都在加深那是因為有人告訴我....豬肉漲價了,你能買個好價錢!

    七十歲的老爺爺娶了個小老婆,孫子問爺爺:你一把年紀,身體怎么吃的消?老爺爺說:這同打麻將一個道理-少吃,多摸,拼命碰,不放炮。

    經典錯別字:姐放思想,浴池俱進,貼進裙中,開脫進去,深入肌層,實事球事,集中精力,丸強拼搏,揚鞭奮進,真抓濕干,堅持不瀉,性福愉快,完事如意。

    那英洗澡-霧里看花。毛寧撒尿-淘聲依舊。董文華初夜-血染的風采。陳紅捉奸-常回家看看。彭麗媛大便-在希望的田野上。楊玉瑩放屁-輕輕的告訴你

    倆人,一個獵人剛打了只雞,一個伙計端了盆豆腐,獵人看見了伙計就打招呼:“兄的,端盆兒肥肉干啥氣?”伙計說:“小樣兒,就你這眼神兒,還玩兒鷹呢?!”

    兩個神經在樹上,突然一個掉了下去,A你怎磨掉下去了。B是啊,該你了。A不行,我還沒熟呢

    唐伯虎曾以屁股沾墨坐于煊宣紙上畫蘋果,收益頗佳。鄰居太太效仿之,所畫蘋果卻無人問津,其夫告知;人家畫蘋果有把兒,你畫的不但沒把兒,還有個蟲眼誰要啊!

    一個秋后賣蔥老農,賣蔥后得錢幾千,和小姐嫖數次后沒錢了不甘心又去,小姐不同意,老農說:操!我不明白就那么點毛乎乎的小逼嘴吃了我六畝小蔥!

    萬能的上帝,請保佑那些不打電話給我,也不傳短信給我更沒有時間想我的人。讓他的手機掉到廁所里去,鑰匙也掉進去,最好連人也一起掉下去!阿門!

    一男P C,數日后左睪 丸變青,一神醫確診:睪 丸癌!遂切除。再數日,右睪也青,再切除!三天后因 莖也變青,只好轉大醫院,最后診斷結果為:內褲掉色!

     一個女人抱只貓來到一個賣雞蛋的男人攤前。男人夸贊到:小姐,你的咪咪好白好大哦!女人忍無可忍,沖著他惡狠狠的說:你丫再廢話我把你蛋捏碎了

    你比鏡子還能反映我的缺點;你比莊子還更博學多才; 你比孫子還有謀略;所以,我們都親切的叫你“鏡莊孫子”

    開飯嘍!今兒個有粘痰打鹵蛔蟲面,死孩子皮卷蔥蘸膿,油炸腳趾蓋兒, 干崩鼻咯渣兒,拔絲耳蠶,紅燒嘔吐胃酸湯,清蒸衛生紙撒大片頭皮屑,祝你好胃口!

    有一塊蛋糕跌倒了,它氣餒,情緒低落.有什么人能鼓勵它站起來? 答案就是:你! 因為,有一樣東西叫:豬鼓勵蛋糕!

    我真的絕望了,花果山被國家開發成了旅游區,師父前幾天也和白骨精結婚了,昨天沒錢吃飯我把金箍棒也賣了,真懷念我們一起取經的日子,二師弟你還好嗎?

    獅子和狗熊各自種了一顆樹,并在上面拉了便便,結果,獅子種的樹長的非常茂盛,而狗熊的樹又矮又小,狗熊感慨的說:獅屎勝于熊便呀

    新郎對新娘約法三章:我回家沒時限,飯菜要豐富,我可隨時和朋友去游玩,你看怎么樣?新娘說:我只要求一點,我每天晚上九點必須要做〈!---->愛,不管你在不在

    有一老農在田間,忽然頭上飛過一烏鴉,拉了一堆屎在老農臉上,老農罵到:操你媽,出門不知道穿個褲衩啊!烏鴉:你他媽拉屎穿著褲衩呀!

    好幾億秒沒你消息了,這兩天總想你,心里很亂,尋遍你愛去的池塘;就餐的小屋;睡覺的草坪,仍不見你蹤影,我心都快碎了,養這么大的豬咋就丟了呢?

    一名婦女懷了一對雙胞胎,一天腹中的哥哥對弟弟說:你看咱爹多不相話,進來看咱臨走還吐了口痰。弟弟說:還是隔壁王叔好,吐口痰還拿小袋裝走了。

    一中國猛男給一日本女子搓澡,搓著搓著便將自己的陽剛之物插入了女子的害羞之處,日本女子忙問:什么的干活?猛男回答:里面的搓搓.

    不是每一朵花都能代表愛情,但是玫瑰做到了;不是每一種樹都能耐得住渴,但是白楊做到了;不是每一頭豬都能看懂短信,但是你做到了!

    一漂亮美妹春游,沒有廁所,只好在草叢里方便,草太長,弄得她那里很疼,美女忍不住摸著那地方罵道:媽的!天天吃肉,讓你吃回草就不習慣了!

    交通快報:今天晚上在因部隧道發生交通事故,一輛龜頭巴士闖入尿道,路口造成嚴重出血,婦科交警提醒司機:需要進入子〈!---->宮的車輛請繞肛門行駛

    半夜三更,廁所無燈,你去解手,掉進茅坑,與蛆搏斗,與屎競爭,無人救你,壯烈犧牲,生的偉大,死的無聲,為了紀念你,廁所安了燈

    一少婦在毛筆攤前又摸又看,賣毛筆的著急地說:假如你是賣筆的,別人摸摸你的筆,拽拽你的筆毛,又不要你的筆,你說你急不急!

    夫妻倆因貧窮一天沒吃飯,晚上妻提出做三次愛算三餐,丈夫如約,第二天起來,丈夫感到頭暈目眩走路扶墻,便自語道:乖乖!這不但能當飯吃,還能當酒喝那!

    某男去一農場參觀見電腦擠奶器為奶牛擠奶,遂想入非非,將雞雞插入擠奶器,感覺很爽,射精后拔不出來,急道:怎麼回事?電腦回答:必須擠夠二斤

    一男混入女浴室,無處躲藏,隨扮作塑像,一手持毛巾,一手持香皂,眾女見一裸男塑像,好奇之下遂一摸其敏感部位,久摸之,一女驚呼:快來看,自動洗發精出口

    母親問女兒:你昨天約會有沒有吃虧?女兒說:我才沒那麼傻呢,他扒我衣服,我扒他褲子,他吸我蜜桃,我含他香腸!他插到我流血,我夾到他流膿,媽你說我聰明不聰明?

    一先生在飯店吃飯,小姐端上一盤牛鞭,先生不懷好意的問:這是什麼.小姐面紅不答,先生感覺得意,夾起一塊剛送嘴里,小姐說:那是往牛B里送的東西

    我知道你武功高強,但你不能驕傲,還要不斷提高你的劍法,做到人中有劍,劍中有人,人劍合一,做到了這一點,你就不再是人了,而是劍人!

    殺死你吧我怕見血,毒死你吧假藥太多,電死你吧電費太貴,淹死你吧沒準你還會游泳,還是想死你吧

    老處女一直找不到對象,絕望地跳樓自殺,恰巧落入一輛運香蕉的卡車里,老處女以為到了天堂,閉著眼睛摸著滿車香蕉,深情地說:不要慌,一個一個來!

    倆屎克螂討論福利彩票,甲說:我要中了大獎就把方圓50里的廁所都買下來,每天吃個夠!乙說:你呀太俗了!我要是中了大獎就包一活人,每天吃新鮮的!

    經理評論女秘書的文章:你的上面兩點很突出,中間平平,下面漏洞很大,晚上到我的辦公室來我幫你加一條進去

    女:"象你這種人,只有狗才會愛你".男:"告訴你,我剛才繼承了一千萬元的遺產".女:"汪!汪汪!"

    走在街上人群中,你是那麼獨特,超前的發型,個性的衣著,我深深的被你打動,當你一步步向我走來,我再也忍不住的開口:喂!要飯的,剛才給過你了!

    晚上,傻子逛公園,見情侶做〈!---->愛,愛看,次晨,見一男做俯臥撐,便細看,男人怒:傻B你看什麼!傻子一笑:我傻B?你才傻B哩,底下人都走了,還干呢!

    想當年生嚼蹄筋不用切,看今朝光吃豆腐和豬血,想當年一夜三回不用歇,看今朝三月一回用手捏,想當年頂風尿一丈,今朝順風尿一鞋,哎老了!

    一女在井邊提水,歹徒從背后插入,事后家人問當時為何不跑?答曰:往前跑會掉入井內,往后倒越插越深,往兩邊跑給人家別斷了咋辦!

    那天見你穿的臟兮兮的,去醫院看病,護士不耐煩的說:驗血去,驗尿去,驗大便去!一會你端著盆屎說:求你了,血也咽了,尿也咽了,大便俺實在咽不下!

    一男攜烏龜乘機,空姐不允,男將其藏于襠中,男入廁忘拉褲褳,龜將頭伸出,空姐緊盯住,男怒斥:看啥?沒見過?女曰:見過,但沒見過長眼睛的!

    一運煤車司機在路邊飯店吃飯,見一小姐 有姿色,便出50元想嫖,小姐道:給多少都不干,媽的上次陪一運煤司機睡覺,現在撒尿還是黑的,都7天了!

    我是一棵孤獨的樹,千百年來矗立在路旁,寂寞地等待,只為有一天,你從路邊輕輕走過的時候,為你傾倒!哼!砸不扁你就算我白活

    螞蟻來到泳池,見大象在游泳道:你上來一下!大象爬了上來,螞蟻看了看說:下去吧!大象很惱火:你想干什麼?螞蟻說:沒什麼,我泳褲不見了,看是不是你穿了!

    三只老鼠碰在一起吹牛B,第一只說:我吃老鼠藥象吃糖豆一樣;另一只說:玩老鼠夾子象玩雙杠一樣;另外一只聽后扭頭就走,說道:不聊了,回家日貓去

    我的朋友說咱倆在一起是不會幸福的,他們勸我放棄你離開你!可是我真的特別喜歡你舍不得你!為此我跟他們鬧翻了!憑什麼呀!許他們養狗!不許我養豬!

    某三陪女讓police抓住,陳述三條理由,我一不偷二不搶懷中抱著XX,我不集資不貸款,我自帶設備求發展,我不抱怨不上訪我一張小床不下崗!

    兩男子與一小姐在山洞嫖宿后大睡,一黑熊半夜進洞又將小姐奸淫,早晨兩男子問要多少錢,小姐道:你倆就算了,穿裘皮大衣那王八蛋最少五百,太狠了!

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