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    幽默手機短信50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:27  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    想你,有一種溫馨的感覺。見你,是一種痛苦的期待。愛你,是我一生的追求。夢你,是我永久的情懷。其實揍你,才是我心中快樂之所在!

    在友誼的路上,有時你看不到我,不是我把你遺忘,更不是讓你一人走,是我選擇走在你后面,當你跌倒時,我就趕緊跑上去,嘿嘿,我踩!我踩!我踩踩踩!

    傳說今晚陰魂不散死光又現愿鬼聽到我的呼喚半夜來到你的床前蒼白的臉幽綠的眼干枯的手撫摸你的臉說:要想皮膚好早晚用大寶

    聽說你家老鼠搬家了,蒼蠅熏進醫院了,剛才在超市看見你家蟑螂來買清新劑,臭蟲也來買香水了,哥們兒,你就洗洗腳吧!

    不泡絕色美女不知道什么叫神魂顛倒,不得性病不知道快樂之后也有煩惱,不泡洋妞不知道什么叫招架不了,不看黃片不知道自己是一只小小小小鳥

    現代美女宣言:把六十歲的男人思想搞亂,把五十歲的男人財產霸占,讓四十歲的男人妻離子散,把三十歲的男人腰桿搞斷,讓二十歲的男人都他媽滾蛋!

    喝酒五階段:一處女階段,嚴防死守。二少婦階段,半推半就。三壯年階段,來者不拒。四寡婦階段,你不找我我找你。五老太太階段,明知不行還瞎比劃!

    桔子深受著柚子,表達愛意時卻遭到拒絕,桔子大吼:為什么?這一切都是為什么?柚子膽怯地說:俺媽說了,衣服太好脫的女人都不是好東西

    母蛤蟆為躲避一追求她的公蛤蟆而躲進狗洞里,公蛤蟆耐心的守在洞口,不一會從狗洞鉆出一只耗子,公蛤蟆傷心的說:難怪你不愛我了,原來狗給你買貂皮了

    有一個好消息和一個壞消息告訴你。好消息就是—你的耐力贏得我的尊重;壞消息就是—我會加倍努力地修理你!

    妻哭道:婚前你不是說我是你的全世界嗎??為什么你現在又去找別的女人?夫:嗯……那是因為我的地理常識變豐富了!妻:……

    獄警沖著一位犯人喊道:喂,你老婆看你來了。犯人:哪一個?獄警大聲呵斥:哪一個!?你小子有幾個老婆!犯人:我是犯重婚罪進來的。 

    火車上,一位白人與一位黑人婦女正在給各自的嬰兒喂奶。“媽媽,媽媽,”白人寶寶停下來撒嬌,“我也要喝巧克力奶。” 

    探險家在沙漠里迷路,一位美麗的仙女端了杯紅莓汁給他。探險家喝后覺得味道不錯說:“再來一杯!”仙女含羞地說:“要等到下個月才有!” 

    以短信消磨時間的稱為信生活,只收不發的為信冷淡,狂發一氣的稱為信亢奮,發錯對象是信騷擾,收發成問題是信功能障礙和缺乏信高潮。 

    一對男女在親熱,男的十分賣力,女的卻毫無反映,男的生氣的問道:“你就不能有點反映嗎?連床也不會叫!”女的聽后連忙大叫:“床!!床!!” 

    我謹代表X中央,國務院,全國人大,中央軍委,港澳臺辦公室向你提出強烈抗議:你昨晚尿床留下的中國地圖為啥沒有臺灣!今晚記得補上!

    生活美好多幸福,朋友很多不孤獨。勇敢向前不服輸,幽默短信發給豬,豬接短信就笑了,回信我也不要了,就當給豬上料了,效果我也知道了

    新婚之夜,洞房內傳出私語,男說:我總算找到你的漏洞了,女說:我也終于抓到你的把柄了。 

    某男在操場上看到一個漂亮女生,便想搭訕,于是從地上撿起一個東西走過去說:同學,請問這快板磚是你掉的嗎? 

    有人說:你是豬,你說:我是豬才怪,從此以后大家見面都叫你:豬才怪,終于有一天你忍不住大喊:我不是豬才怪!

    你的一笑,狼都上吊。你的一叫,雞飛狗跳。你的一站,臭氣彌漫。你一出汗,虱子災難。你不打扮,比鬼難看。你一打扮,鬼嚇癱瘓。  

    命運就像強J,你反抗不了就要學會享受;工作就像輪J,你不行了別人就上;生活就像自慰,什么都得靠自己的雙手;學習就象叫雞,既要出錢還得出力。

    愿好運像乳房一樣時常被你抓住,厄運像yin道一樣永遠夾不住你,財富像yin毛一樣時時把你圍繞,幸福像干完了事沒給錢的小姐一樣纏著你不放!祝你快樂!  

    貓迫于生活壓力,只好去做臺。一日老鼠來店,看中了貓,貓堅拒。老鼠大怒:“想當初,你追我追的死去活來,現在老子送上門,你還假正經!”

    一頭驢子能馱100斤,二頭驢子能馱200斤,而你只帶了三頭驢子就帶回來400斤糧食,為什么?

    明早你會看見一只蚊子躺在你枕邊,旁邊有一遺囑:昨晚努力了一夜也沒能刺破你的臉,你的臉皮厚得讓我無臉活在這個世上,所以請不要懷疑是謀殺,我是自殺! 

    一男人覺得把自己養了二十多年的女兒嫁出去實在是虧,就和老伴說要玩罷之后再嫁出去,老伴說:“老不死的,你和我爸一個德行”。 

    女:為何從前你對我百依百順,可是剛剛結婚三天,你就和我吵了兩次架?男:恩,一般來說,我的忍耐是有限度的。  

    天蒼蒼野茫茫,今年的希望太渺茫;水灣灣路長長,沒錢的日子太漫長;樓高高人忙忙,今夜能否與你結伴搶銀行?接頭暗號:我說小狗.你說:汪汪 

    還是你最好,我又開始想你了,再也不氣你了而且我覺得對你的愛每天都在加深那是因為有人告訴我....豬肉漲價了,你能買個好價錢!

    七十歲的老爺爺娶了個小老婆,孫子問爺爺:你一把年紀,身體怎么吃的消?老爺爺說:這同打麻將一個道理-少吃,多摸,拼命碰,不放炮。

    經典錯別字:姐放思想,浴池俱進,貼進裙中,開脫進去,深入肌層,實事球事,集中精力,丸強拼搏,揚鞭奮進,真抓濕干,堅持不瀉,性福愉快,完事如意。

    那英洗澡-霧里看花。毛寧撒尿-淘聲依舊。董文華初夜-血染的風采。陳紅捉奸-常回家看看。彭麗媛大便-在希望的田野上。楊玉瑩放屁-輕輕的告訴你

    兩個神經在樹上,突然一個掉了下去,A你怎磨掉下去了。B是啊,該你了。A不行,我還沒熟呢

    一個秋后賣蔥老農,賣蔥后得錢幾千,和小姐嫖數次后沒錢了不甘心又去,小姐不同意,老農說:操!我不明白就那么點毛乎乎的小逼嘴吃了我六畝小蔥!

    萬能的上帝,請保佑那些不打電話給我,也不傳短信給我更沒有時間想我的人。讓他的手機掉到廁所里去,鑰匙也掉進去,最好連人也一起掉下去!阿門!

    開飯嘍!今兒個有粘痰打鹵蛔蟲面,死孩子皮卷蔥蘸膿,油炸腳趾蓋兒, 干崩鼻咯渣兒,拔絲耳蠶,紅燒嘔吐胃酸湯,清蒸衛生紙撒大片頭皮屑,祝你好胃口!

    獅子和狗熊各自種了一顆樹,并在上面拉了便便,結果,獅子種的樹長的非常茂盛,而狗熊的樹又矮又小,狗熊感慨的說:獅屎勝于熊便呀

    有一老農在田間,忽然頭上飛過一烏鴉,拉了一堆屎在老農臉上,老農罵到:操你媽,出門不知道穿個褲衩啊!烏鴉:你他媽拉屎穿著褲衩呀!

    一中國猛男給一日本女子搓澡,搓著搓著便將自己的陽剛之物插入了女子的害羞之處,日本女子忙問:什么的干活?猛男回答:里面的搓搓. 

    交通快報:今天晚上在陰部隧道發生交通事故,一輛龜頭巴士闖入尿道,路口造成嚴重出血,婦科交警提醒司機:需要進入子宮的車輛請繞肛門行駛

    半夜三更,廁所無燈,你去解手,掉進茅坑,與蛆搏斗,與屎競爭,無人救你,壯烈犧牲,生的偉大,死的無聲,為了紀念你,廁所安了燈

    一少婦在毛筆攤前又摸又看,賣毛筆的著急地說:假如你是賣筆的,別人摸摸你的筆,拽拽你的筆毛,又不要你的筆,你說你急不急!  

    夫妻倆因貧窮一天沒吃飯,晚上妻提出做三次愛算三餐,丈夫如約,第二天起來,丈夫感到頭暈目眩走路扶墻,便自語道:乖乖!這不但能當飯吃,還能當酒喝那!

    某男去一農場參觀見電腦擠奶器為奶牛擠奶,遂想入非非,將雞雞插入擠奶器,感覺很爽,射精后拔不出來,急道:怎麼回事?電腦回答:必須擠夠二斤

    一男混入女浴室,無處躲藏,隨扮作塑像,一手持毛巾,一手持香皂,眾女見一裸男塑像,好奇之下遂一摸其敏感部位,久摸之,一女驚呼:快來看,自動洗發精出口

    母親問女兒:你昨天約會有沒有吃虧?女兒說:我才沒那麼傻呢,他扒我衣服,我扒他褲子,他吸我蜜桃,我含他香腸!他插到我流血,我夾到他流膿,媽你說我聰明不聰明? 

    殺死你吧我怕見血,毒死你吧假藥太多,電死你吧電費太貴,淹死你吧沒準你還會游泳,還是想死你吧

    老處女一直找不到對象,絕望地跳樓自殺,恰巧落入一輛運香蕉的卡車里,老處女以為到了天堂,閉著眼睛摸著滿車香蕉,深情地說:不要慌,一個一個來!

    倆屎克螂討論福利彩票,甲說:我要中了大獎就把方圓50里的廁所都買下來,每天吃個夠!乙說:你呀太俗了!我要是中了大獎就包一活人,每天吃新鮮的! 

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