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    經典短信笑話50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:29  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    通知:晚十點有地震,地點在你家床上,震中臍下六寸,震級床搖屁股顫,預計持續二十分鐘,伴有輕微呻吟聲響,震后有巖漿噴出,偶有余震!

    我想你啊!我想你!白天想來晚上想!坐在廁所還在想!想念你啊!想念你!就是想不起來你是誰!……回電告訴我好嗎?

    一只狗去山里創業,農夫給了它一把鐮刀,木匠給它一把錘子,狗來到山里遇到老虎,嚇的把鐮刀和錘子舉起來,老虎咯咯笑道:呦,日他的還是個X員哩

    拉侗與薩達姆在海邊散步,忽然有記者拍照,一見鏡頭,拉侗做了V字手形,薩達姆問:登哥,我們勝利了嗎?拉侗小聲曰:勝利個J8,我是告訴美國,別炸了,就剩我們倆了啊!

    一天,你蹲在馬路邊,仔細望著一堆便便.你湊前聞聞:難道是便便?你用手摳摳:好象是便便.你放進嘴里嘗嘗:果真是便便!你笑到:幸虧沒踩到!

    貴先生:經核實您的yin 莖經數萬計的摩擦以進入報廢倒計時,望你接到通知后,帶著戶口本到市性 交協會辦理報廢手續,如不辦理,將移交公 安機關強行摘除!

    一男子在海里裸泳后將自己埋在沙灘里,只留老二在外,一女子過來看見了,就用手挑逗,發現變大了,于是坐了上去,爽完后大喜:操!這玩意也有野生的

    一天你去吃飯,吃過飯之后你去算帳給飯錢,飯店老板胡里胡涂多找了你錢,你心里那個高興啊!走到沒人處情不自禁的大聲喊出來:我白吃!我白吃!

    一個女孩,到了天堂.天使:你是處女嗎?她說:當然!但是天使卻在她的處女膜上發現了七個輕微的洞.原來她是白雪公主

    四快:閃電流星騎馬射精!四黑:張飛李逵雞〈!---->吧地雷!四緊:手銬腳鐐奶罩避孕套!四硬:墻上磚門上拴夜里的J8電線桿

    村婦報案說:丟人那!俺昨晚被強 J了.uasp.net問她:那人長啥樣?那俺可沒看清,不過肯定是個新手,因為他半天找不到地方,最后還是俺給他扶進去的.

    副局長在辦公室大罵:局長算個J8!恰被局長聽到,反問?我是J8,你們是什么?副局長立刻立正,機智回答:我們是J8毛,緊密的團結在您的周圍!

    丈夫被馬蜂蟄傷老二,腫的象酒瓶一樣粗大,到醫院治療時老婆焦急的找到醫生說:求求您,光止痛,不消腫好嗎?

    一男子喝的大醉后去P C,因床上動作過猛左右搖晃,哇的吐了妓 女一身,妓 女大罵:老娘出道二十多年,見過暈車!暈船!暈飛機的,還沒見過暈B的呢!

    大哥大與子母機結婚生下小靈通,小靈通面目可憎,信號奇差,不能漫游,不能互發短信,傷心欲絕,經DNA檢查,才發現其親爹不是大哥大,而是對講機!

    吸取了上次教訓,從中我得到了經驗,那就是以后我再也不用肉包子打你了

    吃喝嫖賭鯫莪堊鮞酴庹眍鼙顰蹙硎鳘媵夔癃簦鞲愍氯鮞擤巹酃鄹陬蹙硎鳘媵…上面的這些個字你會那幾個啊?是不是發現自己除了吃喝嫖賭外什么都不會呢?

    深夜,夫于床上看書,不時將手深入妻兩腿間,妻便脫衣撒嬌,夫問:干嗎?妻惱怒反問:你的手在干嗎?夫一本正經的回答:濕濕手,好翻書

    為全國人民做三件大事:給珠穆朗瑪峰安電梯,給長城貼磁磚,給飛機安倒檔.三件小事:給蚊子戴口罩,給蒼蠅戴手套,給蟑螂戴避孕套

    路人對乞丐說:“你身強力壯,又沒有殘疾,憑啥要我給你錢?”乞丐大怒,說:“難道為了向你討幾個臭錢,我還要把自己弄成殘疾不成?”

    你我都是單翼的天使,惟有彼此的擁抱才能展翅飛翔,據說人來到世上就是為了尋找另一半的,我千辛萬苦終于找到了你,靠!卻發現咱倆的翅膀是一順邊的

    你是我心中的太陽,可惜下山了;你是我夢中的月亮,可惜被云遮住了;你是我心中最美的花朵,可惜開過了;你是天上的嫦娥降臨人間,可惜臉先著地了

    我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你我愛你塞北的雪.對不起,卡帶了

    話說唐僧趕走悟空后再遭不測,生死關頭他想起了緊箍咒于是念起咒語來。但不久一個聲音徹底粉碎了他的求生欲望:對不起三藏,你呼叫的用戶不在服務區!

    我要把所有存款全部換成鋼蹦,足足有300多枚.沒事拿著玩兒,還可以晃蕩著聽響.你若敢惹我,我就用鋼蹦砸你,砸得你滿頭是包,讓你知道有錢人的厲害!

    聽說你咋晚你被搞得酥酥麻麻,瘋瘋顛顛,渾身亂串,滿身大汗,天旋地轉,嗷嗷大叫,欲死欲仙,哎沒事碰什么高壓線!

    農家有客來,主人想殺公雞,可公雞飛上屋頂不下來,主人罵道:你在不下來,我把母雞全殺了,讓你生不如死!公雞狂笑道:哇!太好了,老子終于可以找野雞了

    和我相比你靠邊,我曾搞過武則天,不是今天跟你吹,我的初戀楊貴妃,別說我的口氣狂,慈禧陪我上過床,我的本領就是強,我還干過杜十娘,西施給我吹過簫,貂嬋是我開的苞

    屯老二進城看見男女激情的藥包裝出神,女營業員來說;大哥買點吧,吃完能堅持三個小時!屯老二趕忙答道:大姐呀,俺還沒有未婚妻呢,我買點這藥吃完咱倆試試行不?

    猴子出謎語:大象放屁,打一首歌名。猩猩答到:是趙薇唱的《好想好想》吧?猴子說:答對了!狒狒說:靠!我還以為是動力火車的《當》呢。

    對聯:男英雄,有球必硬,單槍匹馬勇闖無底洞;女豪杰,見雞行事,兩邊夾擊治服獨眼龍。

    一天牧場農夫在牛棚里給牛濟奶,只聽外邊有咚咚的腳步聲,母牛連忙說,別摸了我老公回來了

    一科長嫖妓,對老板說:要處女,不是處女不干.來一美女,科長問:是處女嗎?美女答道:說不是處女吧,我還沒生過孩子,說是處女吧,可干這活的...勉強就算是個副處吧

    有一丑女始終嫁不出去,希望被拐賣,一天終于夢想成真,被人綁架,綁匪嫌她丑,將其送回原處,此女堅決不下車,綁匪頭咬牙跺腳地說:走!車不要了還不行么

    人奶比牛奶好的七大理由:1。攜帶方便2。容器美觀大方3。溫度適中4。直接引用5。不用洗餐具6。引用時手感好7。小孩不用時可供大人休閑娛樂

    一個士兵練習爬樹,忽然他從樹上掉下來,軍官問他為什么掉下來,他說有兩之松鼠跑到他褲襠里去了,這我還忍了,可是他們進去了說:咱們把果子分了吧

    女記者去了解瘋牛病的原因,農場主說:一頭母牛每天產奶十公斤,而一年只能交配一次。女記者不懂,農場主說:如果每天揉你乳房,一年做〈!---->愛一次,你能不瘋嗎?

    有個賣煤的,在賣雞蛋的的商販旁叫賣,不料和賣雞蛋的吵起來,路人問原因,賣雞蛋的說:“我叫一聲 雞蛋嘍,他就便喊一聲 賣沒(煤)了

    吝嗇鬼有事外出,怕別人偷喝了他剛叫的酒,于是在紙上寫了:我在杯里吐了一口痰。一會兒他回來,發現紙條上多了幾個字:我也吐了一口!

    一個女生去牧場見習擠牛奶,可別人都擠了一桶了,她還只擠了一點,正著急,突然老牛說了:小姐,你擠錯地方了,俺是公牛

    四鳥吹牛:麻雀說我是老鷹中吸毒的,烏鴉說我是孔雀中燒鍋爐的,鸚鵡說我是燕子中做臺的,盤中的烤鴨大叫一聲:你們算個屁!老子是練發倫功自焚的!

    曾經有人在我面前說你是豬,我把他們大罵了一通:媽的,總不能說誰長得想什么就是什么吧

    你是我最好的朋友,而且在一起這么久了,每次都是你在為我付出,我卻沒有為你做過什么。下輩子如果你做屎克螂,我......我一定拉堆屎給你玩

    一對夫婦到峨眉山度蜜月,妻子被一群猴子搶走,后找回,九個月后妻子生孩子,丈夫在外面等,見醫生出來便問男孩女孩?醫生說:沒有看清,出來就上樹了

    一個婦女上了公交車,坐下放了個屁。過一會,售票員喊:沒買票的買票了!一個小伙子接到:放屁的沒買票。婦女大怒:放你媽的屁!老娘是月票

    一小孩頭長得像幾吧,他問媽媽,像嗎?他媽說,你自己到井邊照照!小孩剛把頭伸到井邊,就聽見井底一個青蛙罵道:你丫往井里尿一個試試?!

    你長得很抽象!你長得很朦朧!你長得很模糊!你長得很……詭異啊!饒了我吧,我實在描繪不出你的樣子,我真沒見過鬼

    長江抗洪,你親臨指揮。你走上大壩,撕開一小包白色物品片片投入決口處,洪水迅即消退.你振臂高呼:安而樂衛生巾,超強吸力!鎖定水分!決不側漏

    你那里有電視嗎?快看CCTV1,美國白宮被炸了,整棟樓全塌了,警方已經封鎖了整個華盛頓,19人死亡,32人受傷,11人失蹤。。。1人受騙!

    說豬肥,說豬懶,說豬笨,為什么人們總要把不愿承認的事都賴給豬呢?你悖然大怒:別再侮辱我,有種別吃豬肉 

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