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    手機短信笑話50條

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:29  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    受人欺凌?無家可歸……別忘記,即使全世界的人都嫌棄你,不理你,至少還有我們…………動物保護協會

    某老外想辦party,可是他的單身宿舍不夠大,于是便向老張借場地:Hi,老張,我要辦party,可是家室太小,想借令堂一用

    一個男子站在海邊,對著大海說:啊,母親。這時一個巨浪打來,把男子打倒,男子躺在海灘上,吐著沙子說:呸,后媽!

    一人出門老受氣,便天天在家練俯臥撐。爹問:孩兒,你這是干啥哩?兒說:俺學電視上,練胸大肌。爹抽了他一吧掌:練也白練,再練也沒你姐大!

    一條高度近視了好幾年的蛇找醫生配了副眼鏡,次日一早就來感謝醫生:多虧了這副眼鏡,我昨天才發現我跟一條橡皮管子做了兩年夫妻。

    一個中年男子在買內褲,他拿著一條內褲很仔細地看,突然問了一句:穿起來好看嗎?只聽女售貨員特氣憤地說:回家問你老婆去!

    蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶小姐,蝴蝶卻嫁給了蝸牛。蜜蜂不解:蝸牛哪點比我好?蝴蝶:人家好歹有自己的房子,哪象你住集體宿舍。

    一男生苦追一女生,在寫完99封信后,女生回信一封,上書:“61”。男生不解,問本宿愛情專家,專家釋曰:61,音樂系所作,意為:“拉倒”

    一伙賊搶銀行被拍下錄像。小賊說:大哥,咱電影夢終于圓了。老大怒道:笨蛋!你用點腦子好不好,帶著面具,誰知道咱是哪個腕兒啊。

    醫生向老伯宣布他得了肝硬化,老伯一臉氣憤,手握拳頭非常生氣地 說:他奶奶的!該硬的不硬!

    蚯蚓愛上蛆,托蟬提親,蟬去后告訴蚯蚓:人家長大還得飛天,哪會看上你這個啃泥的土包子?還是死心吧,蚯蚓惱了罵道:看不起我啃泥,她不是老吃屎!

    醫生:請問您大便規律嗎?老頭:很規律,每天早上八點鐘準時大便。醫生:那還有什么問題?老頭:問題是我每天早上九點鐘才起床。

    一男抱著小孩上了公汽,女售票員連忙熱情招呼叫人讓座,乘客們議論:這售票員過去態度很差,現在變了,只聽男懷里的孩子高興地說:爸,媽受表揚了!

    一男子潛入當鋪,拿槍抵住老板胸口,冷冷地說:你該知道我來干什么!當鋪老板以迅雷不及掩耳之勢奪下手槍,輕蔑地說:假槍,值不了多少錢!

    報紙上說抽煙對肺不好,我把煙戒了;報紙上說喝酒對肝不好,我把酒戒了;報紙上說交你這個朋友對心臟不好,我他媽的把報紙戒了。

    金剛石自豪的說:我什么都能割破!你搖搖頭指著自己的臉皮微微一笑:那可不一定!不信你試試!

    一只鶴混入雞群搶食吃。雞問:你誰呀?鶴曰:我是雞。雞不信:有這么長爪的雞嗎?鶴曰:拉客拉的。

    你像英雄一樣偉大,你是綠葉中的紅花,你像寒冬一樣冷酷,你是一杯清新的茶,你是林中純潔的仙子,于是你有一個日本名字:大花酷茶子(每句最后一字)

    老師讓學生用“皺紋”造句,一學生寫:我爸爸的蛋上有很多皺紋,老師批評家長不該啥地方都讓孩子看。家長解釋說:這孩子從小粗心,少寫一個“臉”字

    一男子去醫院割包皮,女大夫檢查完下身驚訝地說:從來沒見過這么長的。男子得意地說:亞洲雄風吧?女大夫輕蔑地說:我說的是包皮!

    深夜兩點,醉醺醺的丈夫才回家。妻子怒:我一再告訴你,喝酒不能超過兩瓶,回家不能超過十點,你敢不聽我的?!丈夫:...我記反了!

    老伴全裸挑逗丈夫:三十年前我這樣時,你在想什么?丈夫說當時我想把你的乳房吸干,老伴說現在呢?丈夫說:我在想我的工作成績不錯

    女人問男人:你猜我們最喜歡你們男人什么大?什么粗?什么硬?男人微微一笑滿臉通紅啞然無語。女人:笨蛋!告訴你吧,財大氣粗腰桿硬!

    丈夫說:你學好做飯就可辭掉女傭,減輕家庭負擔。妻:廢話!如果你學好做愛,咱們就可辭掉司機、園丁和保安,家庭負擔就更輕了!

    一男浴后沒穿睡衣,小狗跟來跟去。男人想:不就沒穿衣服么,用的著跟來跟去嗎。小狗想:不就一根香腸么,用的著掛那么高嗎。

    萬能的主啊,請滿足我一個請求:保佑那些既不想念我,也不主動給我發短信的人,愿他們上廁所后發現,紙不見了,一直蹲著!

    強哥對舞會上剛剛認識的女孩說:舞會結束后,我送你回家好嗎?我保證不會碰你一下!女孩眨眨眼睛:那我看你還是別送我好了。

    老頭臨終前向老伴懺悔,我曾經有過一段婚外戀,請你原諒!老太太說:拉倒吧,多大點事呀,你也不看看咱家的孩子,哪個長得像你呀?

    女民警帶警犬執行任務,發覺自己沒穿褲衩,她把裙子撩起讓警犬聞后去找褲衩,警犬跑了一會兒,中隊長來電話:你領的狗把總隊長的雞 吧咬了!

    一鼠見一貓在午睡,便唱:2002年的第一場雪...見貓沒有反應,又放肆的唱到:你是我的情人...貓醒來一把抓起鼠嘭嘭兩拳唱:這就是對沖動最好的懲罰...

    有個牧師勸窮人信教,他問一個窮人:你死后愿入天堂還是地獄?窮人回答:說:唉!看哪里的玉米面便宜,就到哪里去吧。

    某男玩蚱蜢,放了它抓回來,放了它抓回來......連放抓七次,蚱蜢哭了:大哥,您是諸葛亮吧?您認錯人了,俺不是孟獲。

    丈夫幫妻子買保險,簽約完畢后,他問保險業務員:如果我太太今晚死了,我可以得多少?業務員回答道:大概二十年徒刑吧,先生

    兩只母雞聊天,對面走來一只沒精打彩的公雞。母雞:咋地了? 公雞:做點買賣! 母雞:做啥買賣累成這德行啊?公雞紅著臉低下頭說:賣點雞精!

    最近我種的玉米總被烏鴉偷,我做了個丑得嚇人的草人,根本就沒用。我只好把你照片掛起來,烏鴉不但不敢再偷,有幾只還把以前偷的送回來了!謝謝你!

    朋友,給你講一個故事:泐觳紇踟锝,醭鲞蠼?賧鲺肟譖!顥旎醭腌艉曖,槊鷙鱉萋纛.故事名叫《小豬納悶》

    別人有大捧的玫瑰花,可我囊中羞澀,我有一盆仙人掌,我捧著它鼓起勇氣對你說三個字:“坐上去!”

    搬到新家的第一天晚上,一名男子摸黑闖進來,我無力抵抗,他盜走了我的所有財物……該死的盜墓賊,走時也不把棺材蓋好。

    不知怎么搞的,這兩天夢到你的身影總是在夢里伴著我,使我無法望懷,今天我要鼓足勇氣對你說,希望你去整容,不要在夢里嚇到我

    我在淡水河邊觀賞夕陽,看到水里竟然漂過一個透明的保險套……正巧有三個女生,只聽她們指著水里的套套說:看……有新品種的水母耶!

    老司機娶了一個小媳婦,同事慶賀,送其一幅對聯。上聯是:老活塞新缸筒壓縮正常。下聯是:老司機開新車喜氣洋洋。橫批:注意保養。

    女市長因車禍胸部受傷。編輯訓誡新記者:“不許用胸部一詞,要改用委婉的字表示”。新記者絞盡腦汁寫到:“她因車禍(.)(.)受傷。”

    某學校學生趁下課十分鐘出校門,買2杯奶茶和2個芋頭。眼見上課鐘快響了,情急之下就對老板說:老板我要兩個奶頭!

    一女士到商場退換短褲,售貨員:如果沒穿過,就可以換。女士堅持說肯定沒有穿過。只見售貨員檢查內褲后說道:難道我們純白短褲會夾黑色線頭嗎?

    處女現狀:一不小心自損一批,犯罪分子破壞一批,感情騙子誘騙一批,合法程序破產一批,看破紅塵留守一批。

    夜里正要做愛時,妻忽然開燈,驚見夫拿著條大黃瓜!“性無能的卑鄙小人!你就用這個和我做愛五年?”“對,我還要問你,那叁個孩子是怎樣來的?”

    一人姓紀,妻生一兒名曰‘大毛’,次年又生一兒曰‘二毛’.一心想要一女皆不成,當生完第七胎時妻子含淚說:不能再要了,再是男的就成紀八毛了!

    一對戀人走在街上,談論著性騷擾的問題。突然男的伸手摸女的屁股。男:這樣算性騷擾嗎?女:拜托!現在在外面!男:一定要伸到里面才算嗎?

    公牛出差,恐母牛無人照顧,公牛尋思:猴子狡猾、老虎兇殘、唯大象可靠,不日公牛歸來從象處領回夫人,次日,公牛怒斥:牛B大了 !

    紅燈區里某商店收銀員向一女子說:“小姐,你的錢是假幣。”女子驚訝道:“哎呀,完了,我剛才被強J了!”

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