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    爆笑手機短信

    時間:2018-06-25 19:49:30  分類:搞笑短信  閱讀:

    男孩:我不知道你還是處女,要是知道的話我就會多花點時間做前戲動作。女孩:如果你不要那么急的話,我也就會把絲襪脫掉了。

    一個酒鬼對他的朋友說:“昨天我騙了pol.ice。”朋友:“怎么呢?”酒鬼:“我昨天在大街上撒尿,pol.ice看見叫我停,我把那玩意收進褲襠,可我沒停!”

    靚女欲買些火腿“安慰”一下自己,哪知老板為獻殷勤卻把火腿切片包好。靚女罵曰:老板,你當我是儲錢罐啊,一片一片的塞呀!

    某靚女求醫,醫生把持不住,將其誘至床上做起那事。完畢后靚女道:我是專門來檢查有沒有梅毒的,你剛才給我檢查過了,到底有沒有呀?

    老師罰學生下跪,并出一上聯要求學生對出下聯方可起身。上聯是:今日學生頭叩地。學生略作思考,對曰:昨夜師母腳朝天!

    猴山管理員:現在正值交配季節,猴子們都到洞里去了。靚女:假如我丟些花生米,它們會出來嗎?管理員:若換成你,你會出來嗎?

    某男教師正對學生發表有關性道德的演說:難道一小時的銷魂值得換取一生的羞辱嗎?一位女生提出問題:請問你支持一小時的妙法是什么?

    法官:你有什么證據能證明你當時不在命案現場嗎? 應召女郎:有的,命案當天我一直躺在床上,你可以傳喚我的12位證人。

    巴掌大的城,二指寬的門。送奶的進去了,送蛋的在外面敲門。

    因同床不便,上鋪小夫妻每晚做愛以吃桔子為暗號。一日下鋪老夫妻不滿了:你們吃這么多桔子我不管,但桔子汁不能滴下來!

    一個波霸胸部受了傷,去醫院掛號,醫生:你要看哪一科。波霸奇怪:兩顆都看啊!

    真希望能和你合作去作一番大事業,我們會不愁吃、不愁喝的,而且還可以環游世界,我想以你的魅力你會掙得比我多的。答應我好嗎?明天我們起去要飯!

    你還記得我們一起吃烤鴨嗎?你喜歡吃鴨屁股,菜剛端上來,你如箭般搶到塞進嘴,我小聲議論:怎么不見鴨屁股?你很得意的指著嘴說:屁股在這!

    動物足球賽,烏龜、螃蟹、青蛙死活不讓天鵝做裁判。臭蟲不解:她會吹黑哨嗎?眾球員齊答:她一抬腳掌,我們就以為她要舉紅牌呢!

    清晨,唐僧醒來突然發現悟空正跪在自己床前,忙問道:怎么了,悟空?孫悟空眼含說:求你了,師父,晚上睡覺說夢話的時候不要再念緊箍咒了!

    教育局長問學生地球儀為何傾斜二十三度。學生說:真的不是我弄的。局長斥責校長的教學質量,校長慚愧的說:不好意思,買的是地攤貨。

    兩軍在山谷里對峙,衛兵進來報告敵情:報告長官,敵人的偵察機正在對我們拍照。長官:傳我的命令--一律不準笑!

    一養鳥人教鸚鵡說話,每早必教它說:早上好!過數月,鸚鵡仍不說話,一日,此人心情不佳,未問好,只聽鸚鵡大叫:你小子今天牛了啊?連好也不問!

    老鱉調戲河蚌,河蚌很生氣,張嘴咬住老鱉,老鱉忍痛拖著河蚌來回爬,青蛙見了敬佩地說:乖乖,鱉哥混大了,出入都夾著公文包了。

    一所大學的留學生公寓失火,這時沖出來倆黑人,當時一周學納悶了:哇!都燒成這樣了,還能從火場里跑出來!

    山羊把大象介紹給蚊子當對象,蚊子一口答應了,可蚊子的父母得知后勸到:兒啊,我們連訂婚戒指都送不起啊。

    奶奶和孫子看電視,孫子說:非洲難民沒有飯吃,好可憐!奶奶聽了不以為然:騙人!沒飯吃,怎么還有錢燙頭發?

    一小學生的作文:每天早上我和爹媽分道揚鑣,晚上又殊途同歸。成績不好時爸爸同室操戈,將我揍得五體投地,媽媽袖手旁觀,從不見義勇為。

    老師:如果把你們比喻成祖國的花朵,那你們應該把我比喻成什么呢?學生:不知道。老師:就是整天拿一把剪刀在花叢邊轉悠的人呀?學生答:采花大盜?!

    班長問:我們排里,誰是最大的官?新兵答:是排長。班長又問:在師長下面的是誰?新兵答:是師長騎的馬。

    吃飯時,兒子老不肯坐下。媽媽:你今天怎么啦,干嘛站著吃飯?兒子:今天上語文課,老師說“坐吃山空……”

    分不在高,及格就行,學不在深,作弊則靈,斯是教室,惟吾閑情,小說傳得快,雜志翻得勤。分不在高,及格則行,學不在深,能抄則靈,斯是教室,惟吾靜心,學習上不去,音樂課上聽,渴了有雪碧,困了去迪廳。

    風瀟瀟雨瀟瀟,期末考試空了了,平時太逍遙,考時嗚嗚叫,惜秦皇漢武沒眼看,唐宗宋祖捶胸流涕,一代天驕直罵把臉丟盡,俱往矣,走出校門,怎對新潮。

    老師說:找兩人我要搬花。于是投票評選班花,鬧了一節課,選出最漂亮的兩女生。老師說:去教務處,搬花!

    老師想讓體育委員確認一下全班女生來齊沒有,就對他說:你去把全班女生清一下。體委是個小色鬼,忙問:親哪個?老師說:我曉得還要你去!

    一個初中生的英語筆記:bus爸死、yes爺死、girls哥死、Miss妹死、school死光了。

    一女生買了一盤專輯《第一次》,一次不知道借誰啦,她就問全班的同學:“我的第一次是不是給你啦?”

    一群學生干部前往男生宿舍檢查衛生,只見一宿舍門上有幅對聯:“無錢無勢無學問,聊天聊地聊女人”。橫批“無聊齋”。

    一位教師見學生遞上書來,打算找一個“川”字來教他,忽然看見個“三”字,就罵道:“我到處尋你,你卻躺在這里睡懶覺!”

    “你要哪一個蘋果,孩子?”媽媽問。“最大的。”孩子毫不客氣。“孩子,你應該懂禮貌要小的。”“難道懂禮貌就得撒謊嗎?”

    母親:“依我看,我的孩子真是個神童,他有許多很獨特的想法,難道不是這樣嗎?”“是的,夫人,特別是在默寫生字的時候。”

    有對夫妻吵架,都說自己強,最后丈夫說:你只有一點比我強!妻說問:哪一點?夫:你的配偶比我的配偶強!

    “結婚儀式上,新郎和新娘干嗎要手牽著手?”“那是一種習慣,正如兩個拳擊手在開戰之前要握握手一樣。”

    “你以后不要再喝醉了”。“我怎么了?”“還說呢!昨天又有人看到你端著個酒杯追著一頭豬,嘴里還大叫‘是不是兄弟?是兄弟的干了’!”

    “聽說昨天你和老婆鬧別扭了,怎么收場的?”“當然是她跪下求我!”“不會吧!她怎么求你的?”“她說:‘我不打你了,快從床底下出來吧!’”

    “我妻子有時真像裁判員一樣狠,她昨天向我出示紅牌,并把我推下床。”“這算什么?我那位僅由于我的合理沖撞就把我驅出席夢思,并找了一名替補。”

    故事:一位女士靠在鄰座陌生的男士肩上睡著了。事故:一位男士靠在鄰座陌生的女士肩上睡著了。

    顧客:你在街頭賣食品,應該加一個防塵罩。售貨員:用不著,我賣的都是風味鄉土小吃。

    和朋友到泰山頂看日出,一個朋友指著天空說:“我看見了!”“我也看見了!”這時遠處有人提著褲子出來罵道:“看見就看見唄!你們嚷什么啊!”

    紅紅的太陽藍藍的天,農民要看3級片,興奮地沖進電影院,憤怒的叫喊震翻了天。村長跑來問啥事,農民說:看短信的那人不主演,打死我們也不給錢。

    聾子瞎子瘸子賞戲,聾曰:舞尚可唱差矣;瞎曰:唱尚可舞差矣;瘸曰:舞唱皆可,臺微斜。

    馬戲團表演結束。老板:今天誰收的錢?伙計:是大猩猩收的,可它把錢拿去買了部手機,現在正看短信呢。

    美女:為什么都說“英雄難過美人關”呢?英雄:你難道沒聽說過“英雄本‘色’”嗎?

    某處售獎券印有驢馬牛圖案有獎。某人買一張一看大喊:我是驢。旁邊人不滿地說:驢有啥了不起,凡是牲口都有獎。

    某球員連接球都接不穩,練習傳接球時,另一球員給他傳了一個好球,怕他接不穩,于是喊了一聲:“接穩。”結果球砸在他頭上,只聽他說:“和誰?”

    在婦女保健知識講座上,老師問:懷孕之后,要特別注意什么?一位年輕婦女站起來答到:要趕快結婚。

    妻子問丈夫:你是喜歡我的溫柔可愛呢,還是我的聰明美麗?丈夫答:我就喜歡你的這種幽默感!

    甲:聽說了嗎?總經理住院了。乙:他過得比誰都滋潤,怎么還病了?甲:誰知道呢,聽說是因為日理萬機才病的。乙:李婉姬是誰?

    9·11事件飛機上的黑匣子找到了,在飛機墜毀的最后10秒聽見里面說:“前面有美女,再開近點。”

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